The Fall

So it has arrived. I have seen the fear hiding inside of me, the scared little girl huddled in the corner hoping beyond hope that the monster will not see her. I have always had two people inside of me, some explain it as the gemini nature, but either way it has always been that way in me. So standing with and slightly in front of the terrified child is the other me. The same little girl, only this time she is brandishing a sword much too big for her, with absolute confidence and daring. As if to say "bring it on."

With great sadness and relief I gaze upon my facade and resolve to tear it down. Without anymore flowery words to hide behind, I tell my tale.

When I was 14 my mother said to me "You are a free spirit hunny, we know that you are going to do whatever you feel, no matter what." I was strangely proud of that statement, as if to be a free spirit was something important to me, and I guess it is, and always has been. My sweet punk girl said that I was almost childlike in how hopeful, optimistic and just totally honest I am. Not filled with the ironic, jaded views that are common when you get passed childhood. I think these may be aspects of that free spirit. Whatever it is, these are aspects that will remain in me all my life... I always look towards a positive outcome, the gift in the troubled experiences of my life.

I do not resist the connections I make in my life. If someone stands out to me, if I feel that magnetism, generally I want to know who they are, be real instead of just ants. I try not to make too many rules, or else I would not be able to accept myself let alone anyone else. Not that I don't have rules... sure I don't want to expose myself to really unhealthy people, or mean, ignorant people. Also I don't believe in being deceitful, or intentionally hurtful. I was the girl who got into fights with the school snobs and bullies. But I don't think that anyone should believe something they don't or dress in a way they don't feel comfortable, or to squash their feelings. I try very hard not to judge, because simply I do not want to be judged.

So here I am, I have had an experience that has forced me to look honestly at myself, and I have seen that I have been living for security, not for what's in my heart. I am sick with myself. How could I do this? Since when have I felt it was ok to hide and make such an exchange? I am not saying it is not right for some people, for some women it is their dream, but never has it been my dream. I have always dreamed of being true to myself, of not being afraid of my life and to have the courage to do the truly difficult things. The most difficult are the ones that accompany big changes, and growth. I will always grow, it is my nature. Growing also means that realizing sometimes where I have weakened, like thinking I can be braver then I actually can, but eventually I look at these things in myself and try to accept them.

So my relationship is ending. The love I have helped nurture and care for the last four years is ending. As wonderful as it is, I know in my heart I have some growing to do that I must do alone. This is the first time I have ever felt the stress of our age difference, but he is on the other side of a mountain that I still have to climb. I have always mourned the lost years, wishing I could have been closer to his age so that I could have matured with him, but I thought that eventually it would not matter. It does matter and now that I see it I cannot turn my eyes away from the fall. I will be brave, I will survive. But for now... I want "*to kill people and eat their fucking heads."

*lyrics from 'I like to kill people', by dusty

FUCK!!!!!!

Life is never fucking simple! Why can it not just be the story books? And if it isn't then burn those fucking lies. I am so tired of pretending, of hiding... I don't want to do it anymore and then just when I thought I had it in me to stop... I am asked to hide. FUCK! Confused? Me too.

Found!

Fuck it all. No more round and round we go. I am done. I guess you could say I am through with chasing my tail. I accept myself, its practically the main theme to my entire fucking life... why should I stop now?

I read my cards, I appealed to the goddess for guidance, and you know what I got? Relationship, illusion and acceptance, death and rebirth. How funny is that, but always the way with these things. I asked to be shown what I need to do to stop worrying over this kind of shit. I was told I need to look at myself honestly and stop trying to hide. Just the exact things that I DO need to do, that I knew I needed to do.

Things change; that is the death and rebirth card. I wasn't expecting it... but who ever is? Strip away the illusion, the pretend, and see what's underneath; that is the illusion card. The relationship card was not what I thought it was about. Its about relating at all, about nature and nurture. It suggested that if a relationship was possible, then communication was necessary. All of the cards repeatedly mentioned being honest and accepting of myself.

Well that I can do, and as soon as I decided that that was what I would do, then I felt relieved. So I have all the answers I need... for the moment anyway. *big grin*

The Goddess of Self-Mastery 

Lost?

Do you ever get the feeling that you are walking around in a dream? How about that heightened sense of enlightenment, when anything is possible? It often accompanies a painful situation, or big change, or a car crash, whichever comes first. Its the feeling that things are happening without your control, but you have some important choices to make that could alter the outcome. You could curl into a tight ball of armor and smash your way through, or become limp as a cooked noodle and just flow and let things bounce off of you.

It often brings up a vision of being suspended high above a cross-roads, kind of floating, and when I make a decision I am going to go flying off in that direction at the speed of light, or at the pace of a turtle, whichever fits. Its the feeling of 'lightness' that I am talking about. Of pure potential. I recognize an important happening inside of me that I explore intentionally with my mind and heart but I tread carefully with my actions.

I have always used my writing as a type of self-analysis, and savior from madness, hence my earlier crazed posts. I express my thoughts and feelings so I can understand them better I guess. I have found myself at another learning point in my life. When I learn things, especially such influential and important things, it always feels a little crazy, a little unstable and so filled with potential that I feel like I am on fire and I could figure out the secrets of the damned universe if only I knew the proper questions.

I see myself in the mirror of my feelings and I wonder at my nature. I realize that I have been hoping to become a woman who only wants the white picket fence, three kids, two dogs and a cat. The mother who lives only for her children and husband and is always 'on top of it'. I hoped that I would be completely satisfied with what has never completely satisfied me before. Those are good things, yes, and simpler then what seems to be inside of me, which could be why I wished them upon myself. I wonder why I feel the need to hide what I really feel, to try to change my own story. Why do I not just try to live in harmony with my nature? To not feel like I am wrong, or broken, or unworthy. Those negative feelings are not in me to lay upon anyone, let alone myself. I will not hide anymore. Not from myself. If this is the only thing I learn from this 'lesson' with the lovely smile, I will still consider myself fortunate to have had the experience at all.

Temptation- Part 1

I can understand why someone would put the line "lead me not into temptation" into a prayer. It seems like a very smart and unfortunately common thing to pray for. However, the sheer fact that it is such a common occurrence, temptation that is, would suggest to me that just possibly temptation is not what we think it is.

I have always, for as long as I have been having relationships, been the person who questions the sense of monogamy. I guess it began because no matter how much I loved the person I was with, it never truly stopped me from wanting other people. For a time my lover may occupy me so much that I have no use or notice of other people, but generally there comes a time, when I desire other lovers. There was one relationship I had in which my desire for others came when my relationship was failing. We were fighting all the time, and eventually sex became an issue between us. That seems to be a likely and totally understanding time to start feeling something for other people, but that is the only time it ever happened that way. I never did cheat though, even if our relationship sucked and was ending... for the record, I understood that my partner did not want me having sex with other men, especially if I did not seem to be wanting it with him and I respected him as well as myself too much to do that.

In every other relationship I have had, which I have eventually desired another lover, it has not been at a bad point, or because of a shitty sex life. It is just how I feel, basically what happens to me. The shitty part is that most people are monogamous and want to have monogamous relationships, so I always end up in one. I have been asked how I would feel if my lover went off and fucked another woman, and to tell you the truth, if I actually envision it in my mind, then ya sure it hurts like hell. We all have a lot of self-worth, and security wrapped up in the sexual act as if it's some precious gift to withhold or exchange depending on value. So if the person we love is sharing that so-called gift with someone else, it can hurt us to think about it. I understand this intellectually and emotionally. I do not believe that sex is such a credit to barter, I believe it is a pleasurable interaction that people choose to have with each other, akin to a really great and deep conversation, only way more fun.

I understand that it can hurt to be faced with the thought or conscious knowledge that your lover has other lovers, but I also know that it is because of our social conditioning that we feel this pain, not because it is some fundamental moral issue to choose to be intimate with whomever you desire. As long as you are being respectful and caring in all of your relations, then there is nothing morally wrong. The morally wrong part would be lying if you were confronted or expected to confess your deeds. I feel that because of the obvious pain that most people would feel when confronted with the deeds of their lover, then it seems the likely course of action would be to not discuss it unless totally necessary. This of course would have to be mutually agreed upon prior to any 'extra-curricular' activities to avoid the whole lying and confronting thing, so for this to work, the people involved have to both feel the same way about intimacy and possession.

Yes I know this is just way too complicated, and would be a difficult thing to approach if you have any insecurity what-so-ever, which we all do to varying degrees. Most people would just throw their hands up and say "fuck it". Maybe for them its easier to just cheat, or to pretend or ignore the fact that they find other people attractive, I don't know, but I imagine this very complicated issue is at the heart of many unhappy people. I don't want to be unhappy... or unfulfilled, or to lie to myself... or to cheat, and so I am one of those people who tries to figure this shit out.

What do you do when you are happily 'married' and yet you want to have that intimate interaction with someone else?
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