Lost?

Do you ever get the feeling that you are walking around in a dream? How about that heightened sense of enlightenment, when anything is possible? It often accompanies a painful situation, or big change, or a car crash, whichever comes first. Its the feeling that things are happening without your control, but you have some important choices to make that could alter the outcome. You could curl into a tight ball of armor and smash your way through, or become limp as a cooked noodle and just flow and let things bounce off of you.

It often brings up a vision of being suspended high above a cross-roads, kind of floating, and when I make a decision I am going to go flying off in that direction at the speed of light, or at the pace of a turtle, whichever fits. Its the feeling of 'lightness' that I am talking about. Of pure potential. I recognize an important happening inside of me that I explore intentionally with my mind and heart but I tread carefully with my actions.

I have always used my writing as a type of self-analysis, and savior from madness, hence my earlier crazed posts. I express my thoughts and feelings so I can understand them better I guess. I have found myself at another learning point in my life. When I learn things, especially such influential and important things, it always feels a little crazy, a little unstable and so filled with potential that I feel like I am on fire and I could figure out the secrets of the damned universe if only I knew the proper questions.

I see myself in the mirror of my feelings and I wonder at my nature. I realize that I have been hoping to become a woman who only wants the white picket fence, three kids, two dogs and a cat. The mother who lives only for her children and husband and is always 'on top of it'. I hoped that I would be completely satisfied with what has never completely satisfied me before. Those are good things, yes, and simpler then what seems to be inside of me, which could be why I wished them upon myself. I wonder why I feel the need to hide what I really feel, to try to change my own story. Why do I not just try to live in harmony with my nature? To not feel like I am wrong, or broken, or unworthy. Those negative feelings are not in me to lay upon anyone, let alone myself. I will not hide anymore. Not from myself. If this is the only thing I learn from this 'lesson' with the lovely smile, I will still consider myself fortunate to have had the experience at all.