My Own Private River

The first boy I ever loved was River Phoenix. He hung on my bedroom wall between the ages of 9 and 14. When I danced by myself in my room, he was always my favorite partner. I even remember kissing that picture goodnight a few times, until I realized I could actually damage it by getting it wet. (laugh if you must)
Ya I was hooked on River, he most definitely set the standard for the rest of the men in my life. I have a weakness for a pretty face, and a tragically romantic disposition. I think a big part was the serious look in his eyes, I guess I must have taken myself pretty seriously.
I even remember what picture it was, River was sporting the shaved head and white t-shirt from his role in Stand By Me... which of course was one of my all time favorites for obvious reasons; it was written by good ole Mr. King, was a story about a young writer (which of course I fancied myself to be) and it had River Phoenix in it.
Later I replaced the old picture with one of River and Leaf, both quite young still, and one of the very few pictures of River actually smiling. I always imagined that they must be best friends as well as brothers, those two.
When I was about 15 my father went on a rampage and made me take down all my posters from my walls, it was his way of punishing me for one thing or another, my father was one of the ultra-strict in my youth, luckily for him, he's learned his lesson and no longer 'sweats the small stuff'. I remember I cried the whole time I was taking them down. River wasn't the only guy up there, but he was my favorite and I had taken pride in wallpapering my room with cute boys as is the way of adolescent girls.
I kept the posters I had of River, hidden away inside an old art book. I almost forgot that they were there... until the day I heard that River Phoenix had died. I was 17. I remember actually feeling shock, which I think is unusual when its not someone you really knew. Of course I cried, he was my first love, no matter how unrealistic.
After his death I remember watching as many River Phoenix movies as I could find and I think I cried through most of them... yes, yes, yes I am a crier, I find its better then breaking things over people's heads.
Around the same time as his death, I met a young man named Forrest, whom became another one of my loves and my new favorite dance partner, only it was real and not imagined. One of the first times I hung with Forrest at his house, we watched My Own Private Idaho... one of the few River flicks I had not seen. If a person has any homophobia what-so-ever, it is not a flick for them, but Forrest and I loved that movie. Together we mourned River Phoenix... sadly until two years later when Forrest died in a car crash. His death, which was much more real to me then River's, threw my whole world into a terrifying spiral. If you have never lost someone close to you, you cannot imagine how it feels, and if you have then you understand the deep feeling of tragedy. Since his death I have lost too many more friends to list, but none were as bad as losing Forrest, his death hit me like a building being dropped from a great height onto my oblivious head.
I think that was the event which changed my life. It was then that I began to see the world and life as a tenuous thing, and I learned hard lessons about acceptance and love. The day before Forrest died, we spent together. I remember he told me he loved me, probably voicing it for the first time, even though I had known it all along. He made me promise I would never give in to the pressure of society to conform and 'shape up' into a good citizen and consumer, but to always remain free spirited. After his death I remembered his words and thought how strange it was that he should say goodbye when he could not have consciously known he would die.
The lesson in all of this crying and death? Do not wait, life is happening right now as you make plans, and never put off telling the people you love, that you love them. This for Forrest and River... your names are known to me and your smiles will not be forgotten.