Change

Rarely is change a comfortable, easy going thing. It doesn't generally show up on your doorstep with flowers and coffee, looking for a relaxing conversation about the weather. Real change is of a different nature altogether. Real change is often named after a woman, like Katrina, or hidden in words that almost always make people flinch or even cry, like devastation, destruction, or END. Changes on a more personal scale are no less monumental or painful, they just don't lay waste to entire cities (more often than not anyway).

My life has always been about change. Sure that is an easy blanket statement that could count for anyone, but what I mean is that I have always recognized the inescapable and most definite necessity of change and therefore tried my best to work with it and not against it. It makes it no less scary or painful, I honestly tell you, but it does tend to allow for the necessary changes to flow without too much denial or resistance. Now having said that, I have been resisting this present change for quite some time. In fact I have included all of you, my small list of faithful readers, in this change for almost as long as it has been impending, and as all of you know, I have waffled back and forth on it for far too long. I can not see the future, I can not say exactly how this attempt will turn out, but I can say that I want to make this change... I want to be strong and brave and let it go.

The wanting of something does not make the actualization of the thing any easier. I know that it is going to get WAY harder before it gets easier. Its getting through the hard part that scares me really. Can I make it through the late night doubts and guilt? Can I get past the terror of being alone again? Can I break his heart and live with myself? I know I can, but I also know how much it is going to hurt. I don't want to break his heart, but looking back upon our love, I now see that it was never going to be any other way, because to leave this relationship, he was always going to make it my fault. I hate it being my fault, I hate when people are mad at me, when people I love won't love me when they think I have let them down.

You know, I still love every man I have ever loved. I am still great friends with most of them. I do not discard people just cause they don't fit into my model of a perfect relationship. We loved; that is in itself an incredible thing, worth honor and respect... why is it so hard for some people to love anyway? I love you. I am sorry that it has to be me walking away, cause even though you are the one who left, I know you blame me. If you need to do that to survive this, than I accept it, and I still love you. But we were not going to make it, and you know it as well as I do, only I am willing to say it and walk away. I wish we could end it as friends, the way we began it... I don't know what else to say anymore... my heart hurts.