The Fall

So it has arrived. I have seen the fear hiding inside of me, the scared little girl huddled in the corner hoping beyond hope that the monster will not see her. I have always had two people inside of me, some explain it as the gemini nature, but either way it has always been that way in me. So standing with and slightly in front of the terrified child is the other me. The same little girl, only this time she is brandishing a sword much too big for her, with absolute confidence and daring. As if to say "bring it on."

With great sadness and relief I gaze upon my facade and resolve to tear it down. Without anymore flowery words to hide behind, I tell my tale.

When I was 14 my mother said to me "You are a free spirit hunny, we know that you are going to do whatever you feel, no matter what." I was strangely proud of that statement, as if to be a free spirit was something important to me, and I guess it is, and always has been. My sweet punk girl said that I was almost childlike in how hopeful, optimistic and just totally honest I am. Not filled with the ironic, jaded views that are common when you get passed childhood. I think these may be aspects of that free spirit. Whatever it is, these are aspects that will remain in me all my life... I always look towards a positive outcome, the gift in the troubled experiences of my life.

I do not resist the connections I make in my life. If someone stands out to me, if I feel that magnetism, generally I want to know who they are, be real instead of just ants. I try not to make too many rules, or else I would not be able to accept myself let alone anyone else. Not that I don't have rules... sure I don't want to expose myself to really unhealthy people, or mean, ignorant people. Also I don't believe in being deceitful, or intentionally hurtful. I was the girl who got into fights with the school snobs and bullies. But I don't think that anyone should believe something they don't or dress in a way they don't feel comfortable, or to squash their feelings. I try very hard not to judge, because simply I do not want to be judged.

So here I am, I have had an experience that has forced me to look honestly at myself, and I have seen that I have been living for security, not for what's in my heart. I am sick with myself. How could I do this? Since when have I felt it was ok to hide and make such an exchange? I am not saying it is not right for some people, for some women it is their dream, but never has it been my dream. I have always dreamed of being true to myself, of not being afraid of my life and to have the courage to do the truly difficult things. The most difficult are the ones that accompany big changes, and growth. I will always grow, it is my nature. Growing also means that realizing sometimes where I have weakened, like thinking I can be braver then I actually can, but eventually I look at these things in myself and try to accept them.

So my relationship is ending. The love I have helped nurture and care for the last four years is ending. As wonderful as it is, I know in my heart I have some growing to do that I must do alone. This is the first time I have ever felt the stress of our age difference, but he is on the other side of a mountain that I still have to climb. I have always mourned the lost years, wishing I could have been closer to his age so that I could have matured with him, but I thought that eventually it would not matter. It does matter and now that I see it I cannot turn my eyes away from the fall. I will be brave, I will survive. But for now... I want "*to kill people and eat their fucking heads."

*lyrics from 'I like to kill people', by dusty