it speaks for itself 

The Insatiable Brigit 

Insatiable

I think I must be getting damn close to thirty. We all know the rumors that women hit their sexual peaks in their thirties... and I am beginning to think it may not be a rumor. I think I may think about sex more then a teenage boy does. It would be terrible if I didn't enjoy it so much. Have you ever seen that movie The Sweetest Thing, with Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair? Its one of my all-time faves. It is a great depiction of the way women can be when they are together with just other women... crude, perverted, explicit and insatiable.

Insatiable. It is a great word for how I feel. When I am with my love, I am constantly lusting after him. Grabbing his ass and flashing him. *grin* I would love to have sex everywhere, anytime of day. When I am not with him, which is way too much right now, I think about having sex. I think about having it with him, but also I can hardly help myself from looking at other men, like my Acting teacher for example, and thinking about how he would look naked, or what kind of sounds he makes when he's getting a blow job. I sit a few seats away from a cute, intelligent guy in my english class. The teacher is SO boring and so when I need some entertainment... what do you think I think about? Now they are only thoughts. I have no intention what so ever of acting on them, but none the less, I like to think about it.

The young guy that I had a crush on earlier this summer... that was part of the attraction for me, just the thought of giving him a hard-on while biting his neck was delicious to me. I will admit, these thoughts can be distracting, and create a bit of sexual tension in me at times, but generally they are like really good chocolate. I like to wear my black stockings with a short dress and watch the eyes of men on my legs. It is a sinful pleasure, especially because I wear a classy dress when I'm doing it. I guess you could call me indulgent, except that I am actually not indulging in anything but thoughts and phermones, except when it comes to my love.

If this is how I feel at 29, what is going to happen to me at 32, or 34... 38? Yikes is all I can say, and I hope Crash (the nickname I will give my love, his stage name actually, when he used to perform) can handle it. If not, I guess I will have to exercise my privilege of having women lovers and take it all out on them *big grin*.

Sexy Ladies

I have been having this very funny, fun and strange experience lately. As you may know from some of my summer posts, I had a close encounter with a young man who shared an intense attraction with me. He is about 8 years younger then me, which seemed to be a lot at certain points and not a lot at others. The person I am speaking of is a unique guy and I still have a lot of regard for him, regardless of his inexperienced behavior, but the situation seems to be quickly becoming less and less unique.

When I first started University here in Kamloops, I met the ever gorgeous and dominant Mokuyobi. Now she is about 9-10 years younger then I, but that did not stop her from flirting with me and dancing around the idea of becoming my lover. I will admit, I was a little intimidated by our age difference, which is kind of funny considering my love is 20 years older then me, but even when I first realized I was attracted to him, I was a little weirded out by the fact he was so much older. Intellectually I do not think age makes any difference once you reach adulthood, you just kind of join the melting pot so to speak, but it did take 3 years of he and I being friends before we crossed the other line, which we have never crossed back over :) Well except for a few bombs...

I realized, after 4 years together, and meeting Mokuyobi, that my issue with age is mostly because I was raised by a family (includes aunts, uncles, cousins...) who had serious power dynamics in regards to age. My favorite Aunt grew up needing to defend herself and so as she got older, she put a lot of importance on the fact that she was our 'elder'. My step-father was the very same as were many of my other relatives. Even when I turned 25 my aunt still treated me like I was a kid. Some people can live with that, but I have always been difficult.

So I realized that the reason why age differences wierded me out so much was because I kept waiting for him to pull the 'elder' card on me. Well that is just not him, he treats people as equals and I have never felt inferior or of less intelligence. I guess I am the same way, because I have many, many friends who are younger then me and already at school this semester I have been making new friends who are always shocked when I tell them my age... ya I guess I look perpetually 20. This can be a good thing, but mostly I find it kind of annoying because I feel weird telling people, "No.. actually I'm much older then that." I guess I worry they are going to act weird about it, or like I was trying to fool them, which of course I'm not. I don't care how old someone is, the character is all that matters.

That all being said, this semester I seem to be, once again, acting as a magnet to younger hot chicks. I get hit on more by women then I do by men which says a lot cause I get hit on by guys all the time. I met another sexy lady in the cafeteria (which is where I met Mokuyobi), while I was having lunch with a friend of this new girls who I had met in my acting class. He is also much younger then me, but he doesn't care. Neither does the new chick, named Meru. Not her real name, but then since when do I use real names. Meru is very pretty, and funky and intelligent. I like her a lot, she's cool, oh and did I mention hot!!

Now just to get one thing strait, my love does not care if I have women lovers, as long as I have no male lovers. Most guys can understand that I guess. Some kind of territory thing I think. So Meru is very interested in me. She makes no qualms about showing it. Its very flattering too, to have the attention of this young, sexy lady. With Mokuyobi, our relationship remained platonic for many reasons that I don't need to name, we are great friends! I get the distinct impression that Meru does not want to just be my friend and I have to admit I like it. We both have a thing for swords...lol. Well there is also this other hot girl in my acting class, who I get a strong feeling from, that she would love to take me home with her and her boyfriend! She is another very pretty, and young girl. Unfortunately I can not do the couple thing. I swear I am not doing this on purpose!! I am not trying to hit on younger people, they just keep hitting on me!! I feel like a pervert who isn't trying to be a pervert. Ah well, I guess I should just enjoy it while it lasts. I'll keep ya posted!!

What About ME?

As children we mainly think about ourselves, its just the level of maturity our brains are at. The thing is, it is not something that people grow out of so to speak. We do grow to a point where we could feel compassion for others and so we can choose to think of their needs before our own, but more often then not, we want what WE want.

Until you become a parent. If you are a good parent you will realize that your child's needs are most important because they do not yet possess the ability to fulfill those needs without your help. So where do your needs go? Well obviously they don't go anywhere, they just take a back-seat to your children's needs. If a family is whole, then the amount of energy that is able to be given to a child is much more, and the needs of the parents get easier to fulfill as well. As a single parent though, getting your own needs met is incredibly hard and often tricky to see.

You go along day after day doing what needs to be done and thinking to yourself that you are meeting your needs. But there is a wide difference between what needs to be done and what YOU need.

After a while it starts to feel like you are always doing everything for everyone else, and no one gives a fuck about what you need. Then one day you really need to have some time for YOU, and your child is pushing and whining for what they want. You try to reason with them, you feel guilty even for not giving them what they want, and yet feel angry that you are given a hard time when you try giving to yourself. What do you do then? Well some parents get angry and take it out on the kids, through physical or emotional abuse... this still happens widely. When I get to this place, I go to my own room and cry.

Its better then being abusive, tears release stress hormones and it gives me just enough time to myself to think of a better approach. If my partner was here, he would give me the back-up and strength to do what I need to for myself, and would step in when my son is pushing too far. Unfortunately he works three hours away and I don't see him often enough this time of year. So I get to be Single Mom!!

All I can recommend is this.. remember to breathe.

Steve King 

Starhawk 

Piers Anthony 

L.Ron Hubbard 

Frank Herbert 

Jean Auel 

Anne Rice 

My favorite authors, who have inspired me hugely. 

henna 

Newer Roommates

I swear it has been a life-long trial of mine to have new roommates. At least I have smartened up enough to only have my friends board with me. Some people think that your friends are the last people you should live with, if you want to remain friends, but I think "why would you ever let a stranger close to where you sleep?"

So now I have Who living with me, she's always a good roomey. Sure we get at each others throats every once in a while, but generally she respects me and I respect her and we like the same girlie movies and can have deep intellectual conversations. Also she's one of my very best friends, so I can forgive her anything, and if ultimately we can no longer stand living with each other, we just separate, simple as that. No hard feelings. We've done it before, we'll do it again.

To add to the crew is our other good friend, we'll call her Bad Kitty. Bad Kitty is younger then Who and I, but more of a house natzi then either of us. I say that with absolute affection. She likes to have it her way , which is orderly and that's a good thing, but you can only influence other people so far. Us being older then her, especially me, I am like 10 years older then her, is a good thing in this case because ultimately she respects me and will probably only push so far. I like to have a clean house, but sometimes, like now when I am sick, cleaning can go to hell, and yes I do still have boxes in the garage that I have not unpacked... in 7 months. Meh that's me. Live with it. Ultimately I like having Bad Kitty around. She's a good friend and a good dancer with great fashion sense and will have no trouble keeping her house duties in order. An excellent choice for a new roommate.

The three of us like to do henna, which I think we will be doing later tonight, and we like to have lingerie days, and we all like to dance. This could be really fun, in a crazy sort of way. Then include Bad Kitty's boyfriend, who does not live here, but might as well, and my love who is not living here at the moment, but will be after the fall is over, and my son who does live here. Plus, Who got a kitten for her birthday, and Bad Kitty brought a cat of her own, add our two cats already living here and you have got one damned full house!! Its a good thing it is so big.

Warren's Eyes

Into the deep and stormy seas I gaze
The calm blue surface misleads
The truth of the tumultuous passion
Dark and churning water
A hundred men have lost their lives
Agony and fear in the murky depths
Drowning in despair
Forgotten
How to fight, to swim, to live
One man gazing out to the world
A ray of sunshine falls like rain
Piercing the watery plane
Light as laughter and fairy wings
Strong as the heaving tale of a great Blue Whale
And he remembers
Thrashing to the surface to receive
Gratefully gulping that delicious air
Savoury flavour of life
With silken threads of mermaids hair
He builds himself a boat
And steers his vessel through raging seas
As stoic as a sea-fairing Captain
Searching the horizon for a glimpse
Of the sight he’s sure to see
His green isle
Out of the blue expanse it comes
Like faith, love…salvation
As accepting as a mothers embrace.
He lands his ship
And sits on those lush green hills
To laugh and weep
And gaze back to the deep and stormy seas.

By T.L.A ~ 2003

It's 4:20!!!!

Hey when the fuck are the rest of you gonna catch up on your posts.... bastards!!