Note the Sexual Frustration...

edible in white 

now here's a nice present ~ ryan phillipe 

yummy brigitte bardot 

Who's a Girl got to Fuck to get some Sex around Here?

Yes I am back. Excuse the language but if you are reading this then you have probably read me before and learned to expect a little profanity from us wild children at times.

It has been about six weeks since the beautiful disaster that ended my relationship. It had been maybe a week and a half before that since I last had sex. So that makes seven and a half weeks of celibacy. I decided that I would not use our break-up as a excuse to go out and fuck someone else, so I have abstained from that particularly joyous pastime for as long as things have been going awry in my life. For some people that is not long at all and they scoff at my whining. For yet others it is way too long and they think to themselves that they would definitely use the 'single' time to get some adrenalin pumping tangles going. I am somewhere in between those. Which makes me what?

Arrrgghh... it sets me on fire and I almost dread sleep at night... knowing that I will be dreaming of frustration and lovers. It's almost insanely fun, like making-out when still a virgin. Sex was just not going to happen then, I would not let it. This is not as much fun though, because there isn't even any making-out. I can see why monks seem to reach such heightened states of consciousness. Staying like this too long would be... enlightening. I never really wanted to be a monk. Yet here I am.

I think I may take it out in my writing. I have always done that, but I have to be careful not to work on anything that I actually don't want to turn into erotica... I've done that before. It's kind of funny in a weird sort of way; the companions (out on an adventure to find the oracle child) all of the sudden find themselves wandering into a strange village where they get seduced by harem girls... Could be an interesting story, but not the one I was aiming for. Hmmm, maybe I should write some X-rated posts... that might fulfill my exibitionist and voyeuristic cravings. Sex by oneself can sometimes be satisfying, but generally its not even as good as chocolate and not anywhere near the same ballpark as sharing it with someone else. *big sigh* What's a girl to do?

Ritual of Lovers Quarrel

harsh words spoken in asbsence
of understanding
fear and pain, love and loss
screaming in the silences
love love love love
mouth wants to form the words
heart needs to believe
mind strives to taint them
Where does desire cower
in the face of desperation?
somewhere curled up crying
childs tears
alone in the darkness of hurts
long past and never healed


~ clothosfate a.k.a. T.L.A.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

Thou Art Judged

Everybody is a little judgmental but some people are extremely judgmental. I can never quite understand how anybody can hold judgment so seriously over anyone else... I guess it has everything to do with the person being extremely hard on themselves. Even though I can see what is behind it, I can't help but be bothered by it.

This probably comes from being intensely judged and ostracize when I was a child. I think I also judged myself pretty harshly, it's unavoidable in a child who has been abandoned by a parent, but I never liked when people were mean to others. I was never a child to make fun of someone else, unless it was a close friend and we were just goofing around, but never to actually hurt anyone else's feelings. I hated it being done to me, and I hated it being done to others. I got in fights with the snobs regularly.

It's funny now looking at the themes to pretty much all of the stories I have written over the years, my versions of the hero's journey. I think that my psyche always wanted to pull me up out of the 'worthless' judgment and achieve something great, be the hero. My particular brand of low self-esteem is the one in which you present a solid, confident and generally at-ease facade to the rest of the world, mostly just convincing yourself (myself) that you are confident and satisfied. It's a tricky one, and not as easy to identify as a person who walks through life with slumped shoulders, hair hanging in their faces trying to blend into the wall. Well one of the things that maintains a low self-esteem is constant reminders from the outside world; family, friends, school-mates, co-workers, telling you that you are not good enough. You get told that enough times... well we all know the end of that sentence. I was so good at hiding my own, I hid it almost completely from myself... lucky for me those kinds of things don't stay hidden long.

Recently I made a new 'friend' whom I shared some of myself with. Mainly just thoughts, memories, aspirations, the usual 'getting to know you' kinda things, but there was also attraction. A shared attraction can sometimes lead more quickly to intimate thoughts and aspirations, giving the people involved a fairly false sense of 'knowing' the other person on a deeper level. This definitely happened in the case of my new friendship. It could have been a good thing I think, but ultimately because we don't really know each other, feelings got hurt and understanding flew miles away.

Now my 'friend' is not my friend and has judged me pretty harshly, using the small bits of me that was learned in the exchange to form a nasty, small minded opinion of something I 'should' be rather then attempting any acceptance of who I actually am. At first this judgment hurt, like the sting of a bee, or the whispered shame from behind a friends back, but then I realized that I do not have take on that persons opinion of me, that it is not me they judge, but themselves and the world. To declare that one person knows better then another the way they should be is arrogant and naive and only suggests deep pain and rejection of self.

I have no more room or time for ignorance and intentional meanness, there is enough confusion and pain in the world, I do not need to subject myself to it for some ancient penance that says we should all feel shame and abide by the rules. I have allowed the judgment to play with me for long enough and I will allow it no further. I am the Goddess, I am wonderful and lovable and beautiful and inspired to be greater then I would have ever expected (except maybe when I was 2 and the world was still at my feet, then I think I expected that greatness and miracles were indeed possible). I will grant no one the power to make me less then I am. I am grateful for the lessons of my life, no matter how difficult or painful, I will not look away and I will do my best to learn.