Wild Child Playground

Spoiled Not Rotten

2007-06-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

The title of this post came from the name of a company I noticed in passing at work. I thought to myself, 'Ooo how clever, and true." I kind of feel that way sometimes. Definitely not rotten , or spoiled by having too much, but in the way that fun can sometimes get spoiled far too easily by a seemingly small event.

It brings to mind one Halloween when I was about 9 or 10. I came running down the stairs, way too excited as all kids are on this particular night, and stepped, with all my force, on a needle sticking out of the carpet. Since the needle was stuck point down, it was the dull eye of the needle that pierced my little foot, thread still in it and all. I cried so much. Not necessarily from the pain, although I know it hurt, but mainly because I knew, just KNEW that Halloween was spoiled. Thinking back, I can't remember if I actually ended up going out trick or treating that night, but I don't think so. The needle spoiled everything.

I think I may now know what it feels like to be spoiled milk; curdled and disappointing. For a while that feeling consumed me with self-loathing. Funny thing about spoiled milk though, once it has spoiled it has the potential to become many other delicious and wonderful things.

So there.

In the Balance

2007-02-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

OK. So here I am as per request of my favorite Zombie slayer. It has been far too long since I have given my writing (aka my blogs) the attention they deserve and so I would like to correct that.

I would like to start using this blog for what it was meant for in the first place; my unbound expressions, my deep dirty thoughts and my flailing fantasies. So that is my intention.

Speaking of flailing fantasies... does anyone remember those Ally McBeal shows? I never really watched them, but the few that I did see, I always like those little fantasy sequences where you would see Ally doing crazy things like breathing fire, or biting of the head off of a co-worker and spitting it across the room. Kind of seeing inside her head. I have those moments. Like the other day I could see myself grabbing my two roommates by the hair, one in each hand, and throwing them out the door into the snow. All exaggerated, like when a guy gets thrown out of a bar in a movie. I've had many such fantasy's moments in my head this last week.

I don't even need to go into it really. Its a story you have heard before. Evil roommates! Suffice it to say; some people can't live together, and some people want to help others so badly that they don't realize that they are getting blind-sided by their 'good' friends. The cost has been so damned high that I can't help but feel like a fool for not learning this lesson earlier. This week, I got figuratively kicked in the balls. Luckily I have self-restraint and did not choke anybody. Now it is merely a waiting game until the end of the month, when the two offensive parties will be leaving the house. Unfortunately for the time being I have had to place my son in my cousins care, because the people here are vindictive and unstable and I refuse to subject him to the abuse they were dishing out. Nothing like some childish, but very mean, threats to throw ones life into perspective.

So I have finally, I repeat FINALLY come to this conclusion; no more roommates. I will no longer allow people into my life and/or house that can potentially threaten the well-being of my family. Even with the nicest of roomies, you cannot control what happens in their life and so cannot in turn control what they do that may affect your life. It took me way too long to come to this conclusion, and almost brought violence out of me realizing it too, but I have made it through unscathed, or at least unscarred. Its been a long road.

I plan to post far more than I have in many moons, and the next post will be far more interesting. This is just my way of saying, "Hello. I'm still here, just cleaning up some messes to make room for the adventures to come."

See ya soon.

Out of the Storm...

2006-06-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

The clouds have parted and the rain has ceased... at least for today. For a good 5 months I have felt like I have been wandering around in a torrential downpour with nothing to shield me but an old ratty newspaper that reported only sunshine and lollipops. It reminds me of that song by Melissa Etheridge that vaguely sounded like a ballad to stalking ex-lovers. Not that I feel like a stalker in any way shape or form... just the lyrics about her standing in the rain... ok so maybe its not like that song at all, and I don't really know why I brought it up to begin with. Moving on.

I have not been writing on my blogs, as if you hadn't noticed, but I have still been writing... only latetly it has been in a ring binder that has been living next to my bed. It keeps all my secrets so very well. Today I woke and thought about Him. It hurt for sure, I guess I am not as far out of the storm as I would like to think I am. I do miss him, but I think that its mostly because we were so comfortable with each other, and he was a guaranteed place to get support and comfort and affection. Those are three things I am missing terribly, not to mention SEX. Although he wasn't a sure place for that, or even if it was sure, it was not very satisfying, so that is not something I miss with him really. None the less... the missing is present for the moment.

It's funny, I have practically been avoiding my job for the last two months, and now I could not avoid it if I tried. I am born to be good at this, which is actually a relief to tell you the truth. Even if I don't go looking for them, they come looking for me. Yesterday I went to my next door neibour's to get my son, and the woman there casually brought up my job... well it was like an open door, how could I not walk through... so without even trying, I got a booking!!

In other news... men are confusing me left, right and centre. Many of them want my attention since I became single again, and thats nice actually, I like attention, but I am not quite getting what I want, and to tell you the truth, I am kind of hoping that I might actually, FINALLY, find the one of them that makes me not want any other. Is it too big a hope? I guess we will see. So far I think it actually may be possible cause instead of wanting all the attention, I just want specific attention.

Life is surely a rollercoaster for me, its a good thing I like amusement parks.

2006-05-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

Neglect

2006-05-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

Don't feel bad, this isn't the most important place in my life that is being severly neglected. I don't know whats going to happen, but something has got to give.... I need to get outside of my head.

2006-05-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

Another wonderland picture for all the fans...................

The awakening of my mind......

2006-05-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

This last month has been amazing.......The thoughts, The dreams, The overall unfucking believable relizations that are happening within my mind..... Sometimes i don't think i can handle it all at once but i haven't drown yet.........lol....... (and i never will )..............
and i feel that everything is happening in it's time........
I've been almost euphorically high and enlightened .......by life and i have no clue what has changed only that its good and for once i kinda feel capable of attaining my future.... hallafuckinlooyah.....
lol......Well thats all for now ...just thought i'd stop in and show some love .............lol..............
Linny

Change

2006-05-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

Rarely is change a comfortable, easy going thing. It doesn't generally show up on your doorstep with flowers and coffee, looking for a relaxing conversation about the weather. Real change is of a different nature altogether. Real change is often named after a woman, like Katrina, or hidden in words that almost always make people flinch or even cry, like devastation, destruction, or END. Changes on a more personal scale are no less monumental or painful, they just don't lay waste to entire cities (more often than not anyway).

My life has always been about change. Sure that is an easy blanket statement that could count for anyone, but what I mean is that I have always recognized the inescapable and most definite necessity of change and therefore tried my best to work with it and not against it. It makes it no less scary or painful, I honestly tell you, but it does tend to allow for the necessary changes to flow without too much denial or resistance. Now having said that, I have been resisting this present change for quite some time. In fact I have included all of you, my small list of faithful readers, in this change for almost as long as it has been impending, and as all of you know, I have waffled back and forth on it for far too long. I can not see the future, I can not say exactly how this attempt will turn out, but I can say that I want to make this change... I want to be strong and brave and let it go.

The wanting of something does not make the actualization of the thing any easier. I know that it is going to get WAY harder before it gets easier. Its getting through the hard part that scares me really. Can I make it through the late night doubts and guilt? Can I get past the terror of being alone again? Can I break his heart and live with myself? I know I can, but I also know how much it is going to hurt. I don't want to break his heart, but looking back upon our love, I now see that it was never going to be any other way, because to leave this relationship, he was always going to make it my fault. I hate it being my fault, I hate when people are mad at me, when people I love won't love me when they think I have let them down.

You know, I still love every man I have ever loved. I am still great friends with most of them. I do not discard people just cause they don't fit into my model of a perfect relationship. We loved; that is in itself an incredible thing, worth honor and respect... why is it so hard for some people to love anyway? I love you. I am sorry that it has to be me walking away, cause even though you are the one who left, I know you blame me. If you need to do that to survive this, than I accept it, and I still love you. But we were not going to make it, and you know it as well as I do, only I am willing to say it and walk away. I wish we could end it as friends, the way we began it... I don't know what else to say anymore... my heart hurts.

A HOT BABE

2006-04-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

To make up for my lack of posting, I will enrich your veiwing pleasure. Here is my next hot babe. The name of this gorgeous beast is Jake Gyllenhaal. This hot young man is an exceptional actor, and if you don't believe me, go watch Bubble Boy and then follow it up with Donnie Darko. He is incredibly good changing roles. Did I mention that he is HOT, hot hot and yummy, and funny, and oh so cute.

I do not actually know much about Jake, as I am not one of those stalker types.. so no I do not know his birthplace, or his favorite colour...or the name f his childhood dog... or even if he LIKES dogs. Gee what kind of a fan am I anyway? The kind that appreciates the only 'real' view I may have into the life of an actor I enjoy.. his acting abilites and his looks ;P As far as the rest of it goes, until the day I meet Jake Gyllenhaal, I would not claim to know much about the man. None the less, I can appreciate him enough to add him to my hot babe list. So here you go, you horney freaks you!

2006-04-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Have a Hot Babe Instead

2006-04-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry my failure to deliver the good stuff... but my life just does not seem to want to allow me the time or the pleasure, so instead I must satisfy you with another hot woman. Oh well.
Besides being absolutely gorgeous, enchanting and steamy... She is a great actor. Seeing her face on a movie definitly makes me look twice. In Mean Girls we got just the slightest taste of what this hot vixen is capable of, but I didn't fall completely head over heels for her until the heat practically dripped from the screen in The Notebook. Great role, great kisser, good fuckin job! But she had a GREAT counterpart, who wouldn't want to make out with Ryan?

A L M O S T ! !

2006-03-29T00:12:00.000-08:00

wait for it.... wait for it....

Fantasies and ME

2006-03-26T21:47:00.000-08:00

I have decided to use this as a means to release some sexual tension... as if I haven't already, but even more so. SO... I am going to write some sexual fantasies... some of my own as well as some I've been told... just a bunch of good, hot stories all around, and I hope its as good for you as it is for me. Enjoy!

Have my cake and Eat it too!!

2006-03-11T17:13:00.000-08:00

It's wonderful when you realize that you are getting everything you ever wanted AND more. I have always believed in Karma and so I just have to say, I must have done some pretty fucking awesome things in another life... or maybe its that I paid off my karmic debts with childhood obstacles I overcame, and refused to later use as reasons for being a shit head. Live a good life so you can enjoy it now... instead of making excuses for bad behavior and waiting around for things to change.

Let's all EAT CAKE!!
*props to whomever's kid this is... this picture is just TOO perfect!!!

Tastes Like Chocolate

2006-03-06T07:45:00.000-08:00

Desire is a flavorful dish. The writer in me has so many colourful words to describe desire, so many explicit images and intimate moments that even Jenna Jameson might blush while reading it (or at least jump me for it ;p). Erotica has always been my favorite medium when I am sexually ravenous. Some of my friends would say that I am ALWAYS ravenous, that's just the Gemini nature, but there are better times and there are worse times... I cannot tell if this time is either one of those.

I thought that it was supposed to be scorpio's that are led by their sex, but to be a Gemini has certainly been a grand adventure in temptation. Ahhhh there it is again. Temptation. It seldom leaves me alone for long. I feel like a soft, chocolate dipped cherry... just waiting for a luscious mouth to savor my sweet taste. The anticipation is deliciously maddening, yet I would have it no other way. To desire and be desired is a sultry dance on a humid summer night. Fingertips tracing beads of sweat dripping off exposed skin. Bodies moving to a deeper rhythm, swaying hypnotically. Lips longing to be bitten. The music of moans. Mmmmm, the frustration inspires me to action. Sometimes I wish that it were easier to satisfy my wants, but oh so intricate is the world of sex... perhaps that is one of its great magnetic qualities... its opposition to simplicity and order... instead of entering the labyrinth, for now I shall write and dance, dance, dance...

I have written many poems dedicated to this cause throughout my literary life but for this moment in time, I think these lyrics suit me just fine... if you can handle it, read all the way through, the words have a fire all their own.

This Love
I was so high I did not recognize, the fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye she got on a plane, never to return again
But always in my heart

chorus * * * *
Oh! This love has taken it's toll on me, she said goodbye
Too many times before
Her heart is breaking in front of me, and I have no choice
Cause I won't say goodbye anymore

whoa... whoa.. whoa

I tried my best to feed her appetite, keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Oh, kept playing love like it was just a game, pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

chorus * * * *
Oh! This love has taken it's toll on me, she said goodbye
Too many times before
Her heart is breaking in front of me, and I have no choice
Cause I won't say goodbye anymore

whoa... whoa.. whoa

I'll fix these broken things, repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on your hips, sink in my fingertips
Every inch of you cause I know that's what you want me to do

chorus * * * *
Oh! This love has taken it's toll on me, she said goodbye
Too many times before
Her heart is breaking in front of me, and I have no choice
Cause I won't say goodbye anymore

whoa... whoa.. whoa
repeat

Treasures of Wonderland

2006-02-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

Obsession

2006-02-28T20:00:00.001-08:00

My obsession burns strong and grows with more admiration everyday. How could one story amaze so many in a way that it created a following. So many artists capturing her beauty, her innocence as it appeared in there minds eye, The first time that they heard this wonderful tale. I know the story created a dream within my mind a place where animals could talk and be just like people. I strongly believe that without such amazing influences as this and many other wonderous fables I would not be who i am today. It lead me to wonder...... wonder in Wonderland...............i've been collecting memrobilia and trinkets for years some small some big but if it has anything to do with Wonderland it has to be mine..........i'm still looking for the perfect teapot for all those unbirthday partys that occur throughout the year till we meet again enjoy your travels down the rabbithole...............

Master is my name, Success is the game

2006-02-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

It's been too long a wait for me to return to regale all you faithful readers out there, whoever you may or may not be, with my sordid, strange, and sometimes morbidly erotic rantings. Alas, I am here and you must wait no longer.

First off I must give honorable mention and hang my head in sorrow for the disappearance of the much loved and sought after Zombieslayer. Duty has squeezed the room out of his life for entertaining and informing his many fans about all kinds of fantastic, important and sometimes fucked-up topics, not even left enough space for a dirty joke or two.. but I have faith that one day, when we need him the most, the Zombieslayer will return to us.

In other news, I am on the fast track to ultimate girlie glory. Now don't make the mistake of equating fast track with easy road, because this journey has been ANYTHING but easy. It has taken up so much of my own sweet time that I too have found it difficult to get in some writing time, and we all know what a shame that is. I have worked harder for the success I am on the verge of enjoying then almost anything else in my life. In fact the only thing I can compare it to is labor, and that was over in 28 hours.. whereas this labor has been going on for just short of 60 days. I am about ready to destroy something, or else go on a sexual rampage that may or may not find completion in this millennium. In two days time my efforts will reach fruition and I am going to proceed directly to the nearest dance club wherein I will sweat off at least 10 pounds that I could use to hang on to. A girls got to do what a girls got to do.

In another bit of what's what, I am going to shout out to a very yummy bit o' desert, who knows who they are, and leave you a big wet groping kiss. Now, on with the show... the roommates have once again turned over, I think that makes 8 in the last year, that has GOT to be a record somewhere, and I can only say that with each turn, it just gets better and better. The only way this could be even greater is if this house was my kingdom (which of course it IS), and all the folks who come through were my harem. Then life would pretty much be 'practically perfect in every way'!

Hah.

2006-02-23T08:42:00.000-08:00

The day you realize you're not missing anything is both glorious and empowering, and so, so sad.

Hot Hot Hot!!

2006-01-31T15:27:00.000-08:00

I figured it was time for my next hot babe. At first I couldn't choose, I was like ME in a chocolate shop, so many yummy choices and so little space in one lifetime. I bit the bullet and this time my choice HAS got to be Jude Law. This picture really says it all.

From the very first time I set eyes on this delicious creature, knew he was a 'must have'. This is not about fame, or fortune, this is purely about beauty. This man has incredibly romantic features, with an olive skin that seems to defy such light eyes. I think that he is a perfect example of how much I adore people who look different.

Ok ok, so not only is he HOT but he is also an excellent actor. Every movie he has ever done he has done exceptionally well. My first glimpse of Jude Law was in Gattaca, but I know this was not his first film. I was a fan of Ethan Hawke when I was younger, which is primarily why I watched the film (besides I likee sci-fi). Jude Law practically stole the scene time and again as far as I was concerned. I really enjoyed his roles in The Talented Mr. Ripley, Cold Mountain, Enemy at the Gates, A.I., and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. He really is a convincing actor, which just makes his yumminess, that much more palatable.

Here's one more great shot of a young Mr Law, I do love this man's body as well, I mean you gotta love the whole package ya know? Can't be taking people apart piece by piece now can we? They are much better all together. Well that is all I've got on Jude Law for the moment, maybe I'll think of something more deep and interesting to say later, when I stop drooling.

Ooooo Smooooooth!

2006-01-28T10:44:00.000-08:00

Considering I have a new career as a Glamour Queen, I decided (as all glamour queens in this business eventually do) that I better play the part to the best of my abilities, and seeing as I have always been somewhat of a girlie girl, and a lover of costume, it suits me just fine.

Two days ago I made an appointment for my very good friend and I to get our nails done. She honestly needed it more then me because she is a cannibal to her fingers and chews those nails everyday, and I have always had the good fortune to have nails that grow long and strong. Unfortunately like everyone's my nails eventually break or something. So I decided to also get nails that would break less, and who doesn't like to get their nails done?

Well along with the nail appointment I made a waxing appointment for myself as well. Ok so I am one of those women who has almost NO hair on her legs or arms, so I have not actually shaved my legs for ages... there was no point, you couldn't see it and my boyfriend couldn't care less. One thing though, it definitely didn't feel like smooth shaven legs, so I decided I would get them waxed, see how I like it; no woman should ever take a razor to any part of her body if she can help it. I mean you want to get rid of the hair, not make it grow in thicker and stronger!!! Am I right? Along with my legs I decided to get a partial Brazilian...! When one of my friends asked me why not a full Brazilian, my answer was simple: "I want to look like a porn star, not a 10 year old!"

The leg waxing was simple... almost undetectable as far as pain goes. The Brazilian... well it had its moments of ease, but then it had its moments of OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! OW! OW! that REALLY HURT!! *Whew* Ok the pain leaves quickly, its almost over... What?! There's more... ok, I can handle this, the pain doesn't last, thats a good thing. Here we go again. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Actually I never screamed or yelled or anything like that, I am just not THAT girl, but inside my head... thats another story. All in all, it was worth it, and I will probably have it done again, but oh man you can bet I am going to MAKE it worth it. Yeow.

This Should be Easier

2006-01-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

How hard can it be to find pink stockings. Sounds like an easy enough task right? Wrong. Its amazing how most of the 'good girl' lingeri stores do not carry other colours then red, black, or white. Sad, just sad.

So I decided I better go looking at the porn stores. I just want pale pink stockings and a garter belt to match, maybe a bra to go with them... is that too much to ask? Sheesh, whats this world coming to? Wish me luck ;)

Serious Shoes

2006-01-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

Hmmmmm.... I realize, having read punkbandaid's last entry, that it has been ages since I have had something like that to write about. Years since I have even gotten drunk. I can't really complain, I was never really too impressed with being drunk. Sure it has its high points, like dancing with my girlfriends or flirting with gorgeous strangers, but to tell you the truth, I have much more fun ( and success) at doing those things NOW, when I am not drunk. Like I can dance for much longer, and be way better at it, when I am not staggering or if the room is not spinning. Also I no longer need the added confidence alcohol can miss-guidedly bestow to flirt with gorgeous people. I have the audacity to approach anyone and everyone I want to, without the need to then slurr my words.

It reminds me of this one guy who tried hard to impress me and pick me up at the local bar. He asked me if he could buy me a drink, and he seemed like a nice enough guy, not exactly what I am attracted to, but I hate to give out rejection if I don't have to. So I accepted his offer and we sat down together to chat while we enjoyed our drinks. Not more then 3 minutes into our conversation, he gestured a little too enthusiastically and successfully knocked my entire drink onto my lap, not missing my chest in the process. The look of horror and embarrassment on his face made me laugh so hard. It was really not the worst thing that could have happened, I am pretty easy going, but he didn't feel the same. He could barely look me in the eye after that... poor guy.

I do have some fond memories of getting drunk though, it can't have been all bad, and although it does tend to make people want to have more sex, it often incapacitates men from actually performing... well not all men and not all the time, luckily. But even if you are not incapacitated, I personally don't like the room to spin when I am having sex, it makes me ill, not too mention the smell of alcohol is NOT an aphrodisiac by any means. The hangover the next morning also inhibits any fun romping you may want. Now this isn't to say that I don't like having a glass of wine every once in a while, or a nice cold corona with lime, but I just don't ever like to get to the point of drunk.

I have a good friend who is SO much like me when I was 17, that it amazes me at how much I have changed. Sometimes I don't feel any different then I did when I was 17, or 13, or even 10, I still remember that young girl who was afraid to approach guys at a dance, but who did it anyway and hid her insecurity and disappointment when getting turned down. It is almost insane how much that has changed... now I am the woman who gets chased by the guys. I blame my smile... it gets them every time. As a young woman, I knew that I had some peculiar power that affected men, but I didn't really know what to do with it and mostly I made messes. Now I know exactly what my affect on the opposite sex is and I have no issues putting on my serious shoes and going for what I want. And I want it all.

Hot Babe # 2

2006-01-06T09:14:00.000-08:00

I had some trouble deciding if my second hot babe should be male or female, and I tell you it was a tough call, but I decided that the most gorgeous woman I have ever lusted after deserved the number two spot on my Hot Babes posts. So I give to you, in all her delicious glory: Angelina Jolie. Since the very first time I laid eyes on this woman, I knew in no uncertain terms , that I was am and always will be a lover of beautiful women. Angie is a well established actor who has played roles ranging from a coke-addicted super-model to a gun toting treasure hunter.

Not everything she has done has been a great work of art, there is no doubt, but regardless I can never get enough of watching her do it anyway. I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith recently and I will admit it was not one of my favorites... the storyline was ok, but the pace of the movie actually succeeded in making the entire piece boring... which is an utter failure considering it was supposed to be an action movie. Now having said that, it was the lovely Angelina and so it was worth watching anyway.

My favorite roles for this goddess would have to be her as a mental patient in Girl, Interrupted, as a melt-down wife in Pushing Tin, Ryan Phillipes love-interest in Playing By Heart, the tough military chick in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and the role close to her heart in the tear jerking, powerfully painful Beyond Borders. Even better then most of her roles would have to be her photo shoots, and her highly public relationships.

The relationship that stands out to me the most, and is a much better view of what Angie is capable of would have to be the one with her adopted son, Maddox. Becoming a mother has changed this woman, obviously for the better... not just the better, but the incredible. Now, not only is she an actress, but a very conscientious one who gives unfailingly and very generously to help the truly less fortunate. She has power, and wealth, and she is very responsible with it... this fact makes her a most spectacular woman indeed. Its no wonder that a family oriented man, such as Brad Pitt, would fall madly and deeply in love with her, she is absolutely worthy of worship.

Absolutely Edible

2006-01-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

I think the picture is self-explanatory, it should be obvious as to why I like it so much. A beautiful piece of art.

What to do, what to do?

2005-12-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

I am really fucking confused. One of my very best friends is involved in a really unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship. I can hardly stand what it makes her do and say. She throws away her own worth and stands up for her right to fuck herself over. If she wasn't someone I love deeply I could probably just shrug and walk away, but I really don't know what to do.

The person she has this icky relationship with is her sister, and right now she lives with her sister and her sister's fiance. Every time the 'happy' couple have an argument, my friend jumps right in and starts freaking on the guy to 'protect her sister'. I have tried to tell her that it's not her place, that it is only hurting all of them, but she just goes on defending her stance. Her goddamned sister is more then happy to let my friend screw herself for her benefit. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to let it go, or how to make a difference. I fucking hate this blind bullshit, when people tell themselves lies to justify bad behavior. Cowardice and dishonesty disgust me and the last thing I want is to feel this way about someone I love, especially since I know she is better then that.

Electric Sex a.k.a. A Christmas Story

2005-12-24T10:16:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't love A Christmas Story? This is my brothers and my favorite Christmas movie of all time. Ever since I was about 9 or 10 we have watched this movie faithfully every Christmas season. Some channel, I won't give them a shout out, has hipped on to this phenomenon and now plays A Christmas Story for twenty four hours starting today. You can bet I will watch it at least twice, same with my bro, even though we are far from each other.

Now all of us who love this story know that its about one boy's memory of the 1950's Christmas when he dreamed of getting an "Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" At this time it was a common wish of ten year old boys, who I might add did not need television or video games to still have violent daydreams, to want their own guns. The other most memorable sub-plot in this movie is the "the legendary battle of the lamp" otherwise known as Electric Sex! This is the hilarious moment when Ralphie's Old Man gets an award which just happens to be a stocking-covered woman's leg lamp. As you can guess Mrs. Old Man is none too happy with the sexy leg in her living room that is NOT her own.

Amongst the sparkling lights, freezing cold poles, back-alley bullies, and trip to Santa Claus, this movie is a holiday treat for any family that recognizes that we are not all perfect. Their are so many hilarious lines in this movie and they just seem to stick with ya. The taste of the Christmas season is full and saturated in this film so that even if you are celebrating in a place without the ice and snow, this story will bring it home to you wrapped in a package of warmth and laughter. (I should write reviews ;P) If you have not seen this movie, take my word, its worth seeing... and if you have,well watch it again and well we'll be watching it together!

"Oooh fuuudge!"

Right Good Drunk

2005-12-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago we celebrated Tracemas. My good friend had the mis/fortune of being born on Christmas day and so as you can imagine, she almost never gets to celebrate her birthday. A couple of years ago we began celebrating it with her. First, since we all lived in the same town, we got together actually on Christmas evening and had a party for her... it was a smash. We even wrote her a song: Black Tracemas, and sang it to her. Now though, we still live in the same city, seeing as we all moved to the same bigger city, but her parents still live in the other place which means she won't be here on her birthday. So we decided to celebrate Tracemas a little early. This year we had our bash on our tree decorating day... did I mention that she was graduating from bartending school? You betcha.

So we decided to make it a mixed drink night. Woa. It was a blast. She made all kinds of drinks with sexually promiscuous names, like the good ole 'sex on the beach', and 'cum drop'. But then there were really bad girl drinks like 'good hard screw up against a wall' and 'strippers nipples'. I mean who comes up with these names? Well regardless of who comes up with them, it was Bad Kitty who chose to make them for her birthday party... hence her very appropriate name. I personally enjoyed the cosmopolitans more then anything else... not as good a name, but a damned fine martini... did I mention that it is pink?

So that made for some very drunk friends of mine. We had a buffet of yummy food as well, so no one got drunk on an empty stomach, but then I guess that just gave them all something to puke up later... poor kids. It became hilarious around 1am. Bad Kitty brought out the christmas crackers and before you knew it everybody was wandering around with paper crowns on, giving highly intellectual, but unintelligible speeches about the colour of our orange shag carpet. I will admit, I did not get drunk. I am sorry to report, but drunk and I had a serious falling out a few years back, and I have just never forgiven her (we'll call drunk a her, why not?). Besides I am not a big fan of throwing up, so I win. It sure is fun to watch your friends get drunk though. I enjoyed my two and a half drinks while they went through about seven to each of my one. I am still surprised that they all managed to keep their clothes on... I mean these are MY friends after-all, clothing is always optional! Now lets see we have Christmas Eve, then Christmas dinner, and then we are throwing a New Years Eve bash here as well... three more chances to get drunkenly naked... well maybe only one really, because who gets stupidly drunk on Christmas Eve or Christmas day? Maybe if we didn't have children... :) Well were aiming for the night before next year then!!

Adios Amigos!!

First Hot Babe

2005-12-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

This is my very first hot babe post, and I am going to dedicate it to my first love. I have placed pictures of him on here before, but not for this particular purpose, and since he is the one who definitely deserves the number one hot spot... I present to you, the eternally pensive River Phoenix.

As most people know, River is no longer with us, but he is far from forgotten. The first movie I can remember watching the young Phoenix in would have to be, Stand By Me, an awesome Stephen King story about some boys who go on a journey to find the body of a dead boy. River played the hard-knock, but genuinely good-hearted Chris Chambers, tough kid and best friend to the main character portrayed by Wil Wheaton. They both did excellent. Bear in mind that I was only about 10 myself when that movie came out, so he was exactly the right age for me to dream about.

The next movie that made me love him even more... (aww the days of puppy love) was Explorers. A kiddie sci-fi flick about some boys who build a spaceship and fly it into outerspace to meet some Aliens that they believe have been communicating through their dreams. Ya it was one of my all-time faves. I was a Star Wars child.

After that River went on to do The Mosquito Coast, My Own Private Idaho, The Thing Called Love, Dogfight.. to mention just a few...

He was the first poster of a boy that I placed up on my wall, and I cried the day he died. River Phoenix is my first hot babe... for sentimental reasons if anything else.

Do you know me?

2005-12-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

I got this from Johnny's blog... so lets try it out!

Pick ONE from each pair that you think describes me the best & leave it in the comments. Then copy this and post it in your own journal to see how your friends view you.
* dominant or submissive
* logical or intuitive
* social or loner
* kinky or vanilla
* cute or sophisticated
* kitten or puppy
* warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
* leader or follower
* quiet or talkative
* spontaneous or planned
* football or chess
* hiking or window shopping
* tequila or vodka
* top or bottom
* barefoot or shoes
* jeans or petticoat
* tender or rough
* aware or dreamy
* nerd or geek

2005-12-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10286853/from/RL.5/

omgedz..... hahaha i know kids like that ...having sex at school....
ive never done that... but ive been asked to in that secluded radio broadcasting room in my old highschool basment.... i didn't... but... thats because im a ahrsh chicken. and id rather not let him accidently press the mic button and let people here it live on the air... good thing im not an idiot. ...all the time haha

2005-12-01T23:47:00.000-08:00

thats the only picture i have of berger.... surprising since i dated him for 6 months....
and i know that doens't sound like a long timebut thats the longest relationship ive ever hadi kinda like it...you can tell its just me fucking around. with the camera. thats quit a face huh.....im so wierd. hahahaha. you can tell we did lots of drugs back then cuz look at how skinny bergers cheeks are when i met him he had chubby cheeks they were all round and squishy. lol whenever i hear this song it reminds me of him alot plus its super fucking funny. im gunna post the lyrics but if you download or whatever listen to it its much better.
FLASHLIGHTBROWN- butterball
Can i take you to the movies?
I'll buy you popcorn and candy
They will make you fat and ugly,
So no other boy will look your way
And you'll be mine all mine every single day
My little butterball wouldn't go anywhere,
Without her man
Take her to the beach and she's ignored
And if she weren't so god damned pretty,
She'd be mine
Can i fuck you on the red eye?
Travelling hours with your best guy
Your aroma'd make a horse cry
So no other boy will look your way
And you'll be mine all mine every single day
If i wasn't quite so boring in bed
If i made more money at my job
If I played in a cooler band than him
And if she weren't so god damned pretty,
She'd be mine

2005-12-01T00:03:00.001-08:00

thats a link for a commercial they showed in asia..... its fucking awsome!
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/wmv/korvid.wmv

Dusty Dreamin'

2005-11-26T10:40:00.000-08:00

I like posting my dreams here, it seems like the right place to do it, especially with the type of dreams I have. Last night I had a dream about the long lost Dusty. I guess I really miss her sometimes. Its funny because we only got close in a couple of months and then she was off. I woke up this morning with one of her songs running rampant through my head; The Inevitable Night and Beer Goggles. My absolute favorite song from her album is Poison Apple. The first time I heard it I knew it could be a mega hit. It has just enough hard rockin guitar, awesome lyrics... I mean really awesome, this girl truly rocks, and the right amount of screaming. I love it love it love it. I really wish there was a way to link to it here on this blog to share it with all of you. I am presently letting it seep in through my ears to sooth my soul and light me up. This could very well be the soundtrack to that last fucked up dream I posted here.

So in the dream last night, and it was a full colour, packed with people type of dream, Dusty just kind of walked in. I looked at her and could hardly believe it was her. There were other important people in my dream and we were all in this old broken down house. Worn-out skeleton of a home that used to be. I don't even know what the fuck we were doing there, just that we were there together. I kept waking up, and looking at the clock and then when I would fall back to sleep, I would be right back in the house, with James, and Dusty, and hmm others I can't see as clearly. Those two stand out the most. So this isn't really an interesting dream post... this is a tribute to Dusty post. Another excellent song on her album; I like to Kill People. It really works for those ultra frustrating moments. Ah fuck it, the whole album deserves honorable mention, it's called Dusty: Justin, Jesus & Me. You can pick it up at any of your local "where Dusty is now" locations. So Dusty babe, this one is for you, I am missing you and I hope that life is bringing you the success you deserve. MUAH

2005-11-23T17:47:00.000-08:00

Again the Sun

2005-11-23T17:45:00.000-08:00

The Sun

Christopher Walken For President 2008?

2005-11-22T03:03:00.000-08:00

this guy is a good actor. im not sure about you guys but i think hes really fucking scarey lol. but then agian remember in mouse hunt when he was an exterminator and he ate the mouse shit off the floor to see how fresh it was? . no i do... and i think its so rad hes running for presedent.
i wonder if hes crazy. :)

shopping with bee

2005-11-22T02:42:00.000-08:00

i got pictures taken like this one b4 and i was thinking about more.
i think i'll get them ... but this post is just more like.... well.... this is my excuse to show this one off on here. hehe. im such an internet sleeze. they love it

anyways how about read post ish info crap.
i did mushrooms with one of my roommate on sunday so fun, i miss doing them but i dont liek to dazzle myself with drugs to often anymore since i started noticing the people i surround myself with when i do aren't exactly the type of people i like. but mushrooms is one of the less harmfull ones ive tried. someone didn't make them in a bathtub. or cut it with some unknown substance to me. so it makes me feel a bit safer doing them but i guess all in all its still poison. but while we consumed that poison me and tracey were making fun of the lady downstairs i think she could hear us we were pretty loud it was so funny though shes a harsh crazy old lady. and we crawled around on the floors like mushheads do and looked at our totally funky ceiling. watched cartoons laughed till we cried. and then when 4 am rolled aorund we felt the need to dress in cloaks and slither around in the front yard while setting off fire crackers and roman candles it was very delightful. i enjoyed every second of it... till i ending up triping over the cloak i was wearing and face planting myself into the grass. but even after that it was still pretty fun.

today i went xmas shopping with my friend brayden hes cool. hes kinda short. but hes super cool he got me into watching this totally rad cartoon called invader zim. aparently its old. but im young so that explains that. also cuz of him/ tracey i am now a fan of johny the homicidal maniac. very cool. but anyways enought about that back to my story i went shopping today at the mall and i bought crap for my family im almost done my xmas shopping and its not even december. wow how trained am i? zellers beat the holiday season into me. im so glad i dont work there anymore. lol. they sucked anyways. now im off to become the good little dental field something my mom wants me to be. jk... i accually want it more than she does. either that or everyone thinks im a total freak for this but id kinda want to run/ work at a funeral home. but its a nice quit enviroment. i duno i think it would be ok. anyways im kinda tired so i think im gunna go to sleep soon.
yay trudy i posted.
haha
-Carla

2005-11-17T21:06:00.001-08:00

what had to be done

2005-11-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

vessel of righteous anger

What needs to be done at all...

2005-11-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed that my love and I were walking, alone together. On our way home, through the back streets of some city, we got close to the woods, which were not inherently menacing but held some evil none the less. There were three of them to begin with. Three boys, not much older then boys anyway, sitting on their bikes, watching us. I became afraid, hoping they would let us pass but in a way knowing that fear, as such a rich surrender of power, is virtually irresistible to those who crave it. Still we decided not to turn back. Then they were chasing us; my love and I ran in two opposite directions'… he got away. They had me and I was struggling. Twisting, fighting biting and screaming. He heard me and ran back, and yet when he got to us, he did nothing but hang his head in his hands. I saw him and cried. Why isn’t he stopping them? Why isn’t he fighting for me? As my body fought the wrongness they were forcing upon me I thought to myself, ‘This is the way he is going to save us'. Not a question, just comprehension. I cried for him, I cried for me, I never stopped fighting them. There were other girls there too, not victims but accomplices, laughing and taking cruel enjoyment out of my futile struggle. I have visions of their nasty faces peering down at me. The 'not quite boys, not yet men' were all wearing blue collar shirts and clean-cut, pretty boy hairstyles. I can still remember the smell of the woods, the feeling of dampness beneath me, of rocks and sticks jabbing into my back as they violated the rest of me. They slew my being, stole my power. When it was over they let us go, we walked home and did not speak, did not touch. I was seething, but not at him'… I did not hold any blame in my heart for his not helping me, only sadness that it could not be so when I needed it most. Once we arrived at our destination, I found what I was looking for; a righteous vessel for my anger and indignation. I left the house, left my love and did not tell anyone my intentions. I went back to the woods and found them all. I felt the awareness of my love and loved ones turn towards my actions as I aimed the gun at each and every one of those mother-fuckers hearts' and pulled the trigger. I did what needed to be done and I felt only grim resignation and some remorse that it needed to be done at all.

This dream reminded me of a dream I used to have when I was much younger. In this other dream I was in the desert somewhere. The kind of desert that has giant messa's and rock formations. My brother and I were teachers, or helpers-I'm not sure which, at this private school in the middle of nowhere. One day we can see those rock formations starting to shake, and for some reason we all understand that it means some evil menace is coming. So my brother and I begin herding all the children to some safer, lower floors, but not fast enough. Suddenly there are all these monsters; they resemble filthy little children, but with long sharp claws and red eyes and cruel mouths full of pointed sharp teeth. They are trying to kill the school children. I continue to try to get the students to a safe place until I notice that the monsters have started attacking my brother. I go berserk. I grab a huge butcher knife and I begin slaughtering the monsters, stabbing and hacking until there are NONE left. When its over I am standing there covered in blood, gripping this bloody knife feeling shocked at my actions... but convinced that it had to be done.

When I woke up this morning I felt so disturbed, fucked up. I wondered 'what the fuck does that mean?' I wanted to cry, but couldn't.

Got Religion?

2005-11-10T21:57:00.000-08:00

Recently I have met more seriously religious people in one area than I have in many different places in years. When I say seriously religious, that does have a range that moves from the almost fanatical, to the resolved small time sinner. Yet at both ends of this spectrum I have been surprised at the faith, or at least blind obedience to their archaic belief system.

The first of these creepy yet enlightening encounters came at my very own door in the shape of two Jehova's Witness women. The leader was a woman in her early thirties, or quite possibly late, very oppressed teens who politely asked me what my bumper sticker meant. (I'll get back to that one) The other was a young girl, maybe 12 years old wearing a hopeless frumpy frock but with big beautiful, inspired eyes. I could see that the girl was at an incredibly influential stage and was very curious about me in an innocent and yet intense way. It suddenly mattered to me what this girl thought, and what she would take away from this meeting with this heathen. So I heaved a big sigh and put away my smart ass for a moment.

My bumper sticker (the only one I have) says: Goddess Bless. I love it, I put it on almost the very day I got the car. Anyway, so I said to the polite, determined, witch burner; "It is a blessing." She looked worried and more determined and said;
"But, you do realize that God is male." I had to give her credit for her balls.
"Well I am female and so I relate to the Goddess within me... " She opened her book and cut me off,
"It states very clearly that God is male here in this passage." and she goes on to recite some passage that I cannot at this moment recall. When she finished I smiled at the young girl and said,
"Honestly, I do not believe that God is concerned with what I call him or her, as long as I am a good person and have faith." Of course the woman could not allow this and spouted the good ole, "thou shalt not worship a false idol" on me and I decided that it was not balls that she had, but blindness to her own brand of blasphemy. To think that she should know better, should know the mind of her God because a book or a priest says so...!
I turned to the young girl again, who smiled at me and waited expectantly for my next bit of gentle wisdom. I wanted to grab her and pull her inside the house, to protect her. Probably so did the other woman. I said;
"All God's are one. It does not matter what you think you are supposed to call God, we are only human, we make mistakes. It's forgivable. I do not believe what you believe, I am sorry." She looked heart broken that I wasn't going to argue with her, or get nasty. Maybe she was desperate to save my soul cause the next thing she said was;
"We will pray for you." It caught me by delightful surprise. How wonderful! And so I said, quite emphatically;
"Thank You! Thank you very much, that is wonderful." The young girl beamed at me, I think just became her hero, and the woman just looked confused... she had no idea what to do with me and so just quickly herded the girl away.

Afterwards I had wished that I had had a bible handy, we could have had us a whopping good time of "Let's quote the bible to prove our point!"

The next experience was... well I think I will save that one for next time, I have been typing all day and my finger is actually starting to cramp. Ow.

2005-11-10T02:30:00.000-08:00

To:	~Distorted Reflection~
Date:	Nov 9, 2005 12:59 PM
Subject:	RE: No Subject
Body:	im not a fucking walking std. and just because i didn't want to hang around people who do drugs all the time doesn't mean that i treat berger like shit you guys treated him way worse than i ever did you guys only wanted to hangout with him whenever he had money for drugs so i wouldn't say shit about how to treat anyone. berger told me your one of the most annoying people he knows, and that you need to have a shower every now and then, so dont act like hes your best friend. and when you say you let me stay with you for free, you say it like i had no where else to go, it wasn't even your fucking house i offered to pay rent there but dusty and roy are the ones who said i didn't need to. and like i give a shit if im friends with you anymore we were never that close anyways thank god it would have been a huge waste of my time your no better than carley, a user. dont send me emails anymore i dont want to know you i dont want to talk to you i feel like less of a person just knowing who you are. btw i'll go back to chilliwack whenever i please. so why dont you just go snort another rail and see who can look the most like they crawled out of a garbage can cuz god know that wont be hard you practically live in one. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From:~Distorted Reflection~ Date: Nov 4, 2005 7:55 PM You know carla you're really fucking pathetic. We let you live in our home for free and this is the way u fucking act? Your a dumb fucking cunt and i regret ever being your friend. And just so you know, everyone in chilliwack thinks your a walking STD. I wouldnt bother ever coming back here, your definitely not wanted. And stop treating berger liek shit, he's way better then you, and if you dont smarten up hes gunna fucking realize it too.

the above is a nasty email i got on myspace and what i wrote back ...~*Distorted Reflection*~ is a friend or ex friend angela that i am no longer speaking with
it sucks getting emails like this... but it felt so fucking good after i sent mine back . :)
lol the boy in the email "berger" was my ex... we're friends now, i moved and hes moving here cuz i hates chilliwack and would rather live up here and be my friend then live there and know them.
i love my berger. <3

2005-11-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

wave dancer

Dance Dance Dance

2005-11-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

Well I went out and found the next best outlet for my frustration... dancing. My girlfriends and I went out last night, I had my son staying at my cousins, and I took advantage of my freedom. We went to the bar that we knew would not be overly crowded so that we could actually have room to dance. There was a pretty good DJ chick there and so the music was pretty consistent.
We danced strait for a good three and a half hours. I must have lost about 5 pounds in sweat, and it was soooooo good. Probably the only thing I could do, short of ravaging some poor, unsuspecting man, to release all the energy I have pent up. I came home quiet exhausted, and smiling. It truly is almost as good as sex... it's as sweaty anyhow.

A bonus is that my girlfriends love to dance like I do and together we are hands down the best dancers to shake our asses in that bar, and shake them we do! Another sweet thing is that we all like to dance like there's no one watching, so there's not really any self-conscious shuffling of the feet. Both my roommate and I are belly dancers and so we like to mirror each other and gyrate accordingly. Its an incredible workout, and a good excuse to get our freak on and go gorgeous.

So this morning I woke with a smile on my face. I am still fairly frustrated, but now at least I don't feel quite like exploding, and I think I will make it through this last lonely week without committing any crime. Tomorrow I might go do a steam and hot tub, maybe lift some weights first. I think if I keep my body working and my mind busy, I will be ok. Dancing is my savior.

2005-11-01T17:19:00.000-08:00

who could resist?

By the Way...

2005-11-01T16:54:00.000-08:00

Just a thought to share. I am so fucking sex deprived it's getting insane. I don't even want to use my vibrator, it would be like the worst kind of sex, completely impersonal and ultimately unsatisfying... besides I would never want to become one of those women who are perfectly happy having a battery operated lover. I want the real thing BADLY. *whine*

I can't handle having my love so far away for so damned long. I am about to EXPLODE. What am I to do? I know I can always have women lovers, but honestly, that is not what I am craving... its at these times that I recognize how unfair the idea is that it's ok to sleep with other women but not other men... to me... there's no difference what-so-ever, besides the, um... desirable parts that is.

I am going fucking crazy... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, switch... Crazy fucking going am I...
I guess there really is no rest for the wicked.

Love those Fucking Freaks!!

2005-11-01T12:36:00.000-08:00

My friends are a wild pack of frenzied freaks who love to dress in very little and get grabby. I love to party with them all. I have a no-age-limit policy. Well maybe not totally... I am not going to let some 13 yr old come and party at my house with us, but some of my friends are no older then 17 and I am not their mother so they can do whatever the fuck they please. I have always loved when age gaps get closed and people just enjoy being with each other... we have a lot we can learn from each other without having to get all preachy about it, lets just have fun.

Something that my girlfriends and I have in common, and I guess not only the girls but mostly, is that we all have a flare for costumes. We love to dress up, or down as the case may be, so Halloween tends to be the perfect time of year for us to stretch our creative exibitionist legs. A group of my friends who rent a house together had a costume party on Friday night. It turned out to be a right good debaucherous affair with some of the sexiest costumes I have ever seen. I do wish right now that I had some way of posting some pictures of it here, and I will try, but for now you will just have to live with my descriptions.

We had two incredibly sexy nurses... the kind you pray to wake up to in the middle of a hospital sponge bath. I donned my sweet belly dancing costume with scarves and a coin bra. There was the bunny!! Her tail got molested all night long, poor thing, and the lingerie princess with her frilly panties and corset. Then there was an evil Alice, the cream cheese angel, a brothel girl, my little toy on a leash and two Daisy Duke's... and the list goes on and on. As for the hot guys, we had two Frank's ~ the giant freaky bunny who is only relevant to those of us who loved the movie Donnie Darko, a demon, an 80's left-over with a mullet and perv stash, a grotesquely well-endowed Batman, a motorbike accident victim, and a cowboy... and that list goes on and on as well. The place was packed and people were REALLY friendly... Lots of grabbing and laughing and more then a couple girls were trying to put their tongues in my mouth. Its a helluva good romp.

Well last night was one of the Frank's birthday's, yes he is a Halloween baby, and so we had a costume party here. I ditched the belly-dancer thing and got some fangs fitted, the kind that look real, and a red feather boa to go with my sexy black dress with the open back. Yes it felt really good to be a blood sucker, I got to bite many people. Again it was an evening when the freaks show their colours... my girlfriends and I have no problems what-so-ever with sexy women. In fact we thoroughly enjoy being sexy women together. So out come the corsets and frilly panties, the stockings and feathers, oh and don't forget the fangs... what more could you ask for in a costume party... it seems in this case that gorgeous seems to attract gorgeous because together we tend to create a sight that could give a frail man a heart-attack.

I hope that your Halloween fun was as good for you as mine was for me, and if not, well you might consider coming out west next Halloween... Aaaaooooooooooooooowwww

Behind the Kisses

2005-10-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

Kissing is one of my all-time favorite things. I know it is often a favorite of women, but for me it is especially sweet and can be all I need to make me absolutely hot and ready to pounce on my kissing partner. I like to kiss everywhere, and I do not mean in the bathroom or kitchen... I mean everywhere on a body. I am a worshiper. I decided that with such a passion for this pastime, it deserved a post of its own.

My first kiss, real kiss, happened when I was probably about 12 years old. It was spectacular, at least the experience of it, I doubt that I was very good at it at 12 years old, but the boy who kissed me was 14 and he had a much better idea of what he was doing. I became a lover of kisses immediately with that first one.

A first kiss is very important, but not the deciding moment that many people make it out to be. The first time you kiss someone, it is most often awkward because you have never done it before and so are getting a feel for how that person 'dances' with their lips. If someone is a really terrible kisser, well its not too big a deal if they are at all willing to experiment. If I kiss someone who is not good, I will actually ask them to let me kiss them the way I like to kiss and see where it goes from there. I do remember the worst kisser my lips ever met. I was about 17 and we really liked each other, but even after trying to show him how to kiss me, he could not bring himself to change it seems... too bad, that was the end of that.

The best kisses I ever had would have to be... hmmmm, that's actually harder to say then I would have thought as I have had some truly sweet kisses in my life. It would be easier maybe to describe a great kiss, from my perspective.

There are few necessary elements to a great kiss, as I see it. First, soft lips are very sexy. Kissing with tight lips is not so much fun, you need to relax that mouth and kiss gently to begin with. Next, a slightly open mouth, when the kiss is beginning to get deeper, is very desirable, followed by a gentle but firm bite on the lower lip. After this point enters the tongue. This is a tricky part of kissing, this is where the kiss becomes its own dance and the kissers are the dancers. If you are dancing with someone, do you just drag them around and over-power them? Probably not, at least not if you are a good dancer. A good dancer, like a good kisser, can feel the movements of their partner and respond. This is so important when it comes to good kisses. When the tongue becomes involved, it is really easy to overpower your partner by thrusting it into their mouth. I can't imagine that too many people actually like that kind of kissing, its messy and hard to breath and should be saved for the deepest moment of passion, like when you are both mostly naked and groping to remove unwanted clothing... then a tongue thrust almost anywhere is appropriate. But aside from that, a tongue should be a tease. It should only enter your partners mouth invited and always leave them wanting more by just playing with the tip against their tongue, and it is really sexy accompanied by gentle lip biting. By this point in the kissing, the boundaries have fallen and the passion is swelling and turning back becomes extremely difficult. By this point you should be breathing heavy and can hardly keep your thoughts out of your kissing partners pants.

I could go on with that, but then it wouldn't be a kissing post...

I have had the chance to kiss my acting partner quite a few times by this point in our practicing, and I have to admit, he is a damned good kisser, or more specifically, our lips dance together beautifully. We are being professional, so we keep the tongue out of it and it doesn't go on for too long, but I'll tell ya, I have definitely had the urge to rip his damned clothes off a few times. Luckily I can act...

Now go on a get to it!

2005-10-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

laughing goddess ~ rita hayworth

2005-09-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

it speaks for itself

2005-09-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

The Insatiable Brigit

Insatiable

2005-09-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

I think I must be getting damn close to thirty. We all know the rumors that women hit their sexual peaks in their thirties... and I am beginning to think it may not be a rumor. I think I may think about sex more then a teenage boy does. It would be terrible if I didn't enjoy it so much. Have you ever seen that movie The Sweetest Thing, with Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair? Its one of my all-time faves. It is a great depiction of the way women can be when they are together with just other women... crude, perverted, explicit and insatiable.

Insatiable. It is a great word for how I feel. When I am with my love, I am constantly lusting after him. Grabbing his ass and flashing him. *grin* I would love to have sex everywhere, anytime of day. When I am not with him, which is way too much right now, I think about having sex. I think about having it with him, but also I can hardly help myself from looking at other men, like my Acting teacher for example, and thinking about how he would look naked, or what kind of sounds he makes when he's getting a blow job. I sit a few seats away from a cute, intelligent guy in my english class. The teacher is SO boring and so when I need some entertainment... what do you think I think about? Now they are only thoughts. I have no intention what so ever of acting on them, but none the less, I like to think about it.

The young guy that I had a crush on earlier this summer... that was part of the attraction for me, just the thought of giving him a hard-on while biting his neck was delicious to me. I will admit, these thoughts can be distracting, and create a bit of sexual tension in me at times, but generally they are like really good chocolate. I like to wear my black stockings with a short dress and watch the eyes of men on my legs. It is a sinful pleasure, especially because I wear a classy dress when I'm doing it. I guess you could call me indulgent, except that I am actually not indulging in anything but thoughts and phermones, except when it comes to my love.

If this is how I feel at 29, what is going to happen to me at 32, or 34... 38? Yikes is all I can say, and I hope Crash (the nickname I will give my love, his stage name actually, when he used to perform) can handle it. If not, I guess I will have to exercise my privilege of having women lovers and take it all out on them *big grin*.

Sexy Ladies

2005-09-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have been having this very funny, fun and strange experience lately. As you may know from some of my summer posts, I had a close encounter with a young man who shared an intense attraction with me. He is about 8 years younger then me, which seemed to be a lot at certain points and not a lot at others. The person I am speaking of is a unique guy and I still have a lot of regard for him, regardless of his inexperienced behavior, but the situation seems to be quickly becoming less and less unique.

When I first started University here in Kamloops, I met the ever gorgeous and dominant Mokuyobi. Now she is about 9-10 years younger then I, but that did not stop her from flirting with me and dancing around the idea of becoming my lover. I will admit, I was a little intimidated by our age difference, which is kind of funny considering my love is 20 years older then me, but even when I first realized I was attracted to him, I was a little weirded out by the fact he was so much older. Intellectually I do not think age makes any difference once you reach adulthood, you just kind of join the melting pot so to speak, but it did take 3 years of he and I being friends before we crossed the other line, which we have never crossed back over :) Well except for a few bombs...

I realized, after 4 years together, and meeting Mokuyobi, that my issue with age is mostly because I was raised by a family (includes aunts, uncles, cousins...) who had serious power dynamics in regards to age. My favorite Aunt grew up needing to defend herself and so as she got older, she put a lot of importance on the fact that she was our 'elder'. My step-father was the very same as were many of my other relatives. Even when I turned 25 my aunt still treated me like I was a kid. Some people can live with that, but I have always been difficult.

So I realized that the reason why age differences wierded me out so much was because I kept waiting for him to pull the 'elder' card on me. Well that is just not him, he treats people as equals and I have never felt inferior or of less intelligence. I guess I am the same way, because I have many, many friends who are younger then me and already at school this semester I have been making new friends who are always shocked when I tell them my age... ya I guess I look perpetually 20. This can be a good thing, but mostly I find it kind of annoying because I feel weird telling people, "No.. actually I'm much older then that." I guess I worry they are going to act weird about it, or like I was trying to fool them, which of course I'm not. I don't care how old someone is, the character is all that matters.

That all being said, this semester I seem to be, once again, acting as a magnet to younger hot chicks. I get hit on more by women then I do by men which says a lot cause I get hit on by guys all the time. I met another sexy lady in the cafeteria (which is where I met Mokuyobi), while I was having lunch with a friend of this new girls who I had met in my acting class. He is also much younger then me, but he doesn't care. Neither does the new chick, named Meru. Not her real name, but then since when do I use real names. Meru is very pretty, and funky and intelligent. I like her a lot, she's cool, oh and did I mention hot!!

Now just to get one thing strait, my love does not care if I have women lovers, as long as I have no male lovers. Most guys can understand that I guess. Some kind of territory thing I think. So Meru is very interested in me. She makes no qualms about showing it. Its very flattering too, to have the attention of this young, sexy lady. With Mokuyobi, our relationship remained platonic for many reasons that I don't need to name, we are great friends! I get the distinct impression that Meru does not want to just be my friend and I have to admit I like it. We both have a thing for swords...lol. Well there is also this other hot girl in my acting class, who I get a strong feeling from, that she would love to take me home with her and her boyfriend! She is another very pretty, and young girl. Unfortunately I can not do the couple thing. I swear I am not doing this on purpose!! I am not trying to hit on younger people, they just keep hitting on me!! I feel like a pervert who isn't trying to be a pervert. Ah well, I guess I should just enjoy it while it lasts. I'll keep ya posted!!

What About ME?

2005-09-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

As children we mainly think about ourselves, its just the level of maturity our brains are at. The thing is, it is not something that people grow out of so to speak. We do grow to a point where we could feel compassion for others and so we can choose to think of their needs before our own, but more often then not, we want what WE want.

Until you become a parent. If you are a good parent you will realize that your child's needs are most important because they do not yet possess the ability to fulfill those needs without your help. So where do your needs go? Well obviously they don't go anywhere, they just take a back-seat to your children's needs. If a family is whole, then the amount of energy that is able to be given to a child is much more, and the needs of the parents get easier to fulfill as well. As a single parent though, getting your own needs met is incredibly hard and often tricky to see.

You go along day after day doing what needs to be done and thinking to yourself that you are meeting your needs. But there is a wide difference between what needs to be done and what YOU need.

After a while it starts to feel like you are always doing everything for everyone else, and no one gives a fuck about what you need. Then one day you really need to have some time for YOU, and your child is pushing and whining for what they want. You try to reason with them, you feel guilty even for not giving them what they want, and yet feel angry that you are given a hard time when you try giving to yourself. What do you do then? Well some parents get angry and take it out on the kids, through physical or emotional abuse... this still happens widely. When I get to this place, I go to my own room and cry.

Its better then being abusive, tears release stress hormones and it gives me just enough time to myself to think of a better approach. If my partner was here, he would give me the back-up and strength to do what I need to for myself, and would step in when my son is pushing too far. Unfortunately he works three hours away and I don't see him often enough this time of year. So I get to be Single Mom!!

All I can recommend is this.. remember to breathe.

2005-09-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

Steve King

2005-09-13T22:10:00.003-07:00

Starhawk

2005-09-13T22:10:00.002-07:00

Piers Anthony

2005-09-13T22:10:00.001-07:00

L.Ron Hubbard

2005-09-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Frank Herbert

2005-09-13T22:09:00.001-07:00

Jean Auel

2005-09-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

Anne Rice

2005-09-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

My favorite authors, who have inspired me hugely.

2005-09-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

henna

Newer Roommates

2005-09-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

I swear it has been a life-long trial of mine to have new roommates. At least I have smartened up enough to only have my friends board with me. Some people think that your friends are the last people you should live with, if you want to remain friends, but I think "why would you ever let a stranger close to where you sleep?"

So now I have Who living with me, she's always a good roomey. Sure we get at each others throats every once in a while, but generally she respects me and I respect her and we like the same girlie movies and can have deep intellectual conversations. Also she's one of my very best friends, so I can forgive her anything, and if ultimately we can no longer stand living with each other, we just separate, simple as that. No hard feelings. We've done it before, we'll do it again.

To add to the crew is our other good friend, we'll call her Bad Kitty. Bad Kitty is younger then Who and I, but more of a house natzi then either of us. I say that with absolute affection. She likes to have it her way , which is orderly and that's a good thing, but you can only influence other people so far. Us being older then her, especially me, I am like 10 years older then her, is a good thing in this case because ultimately she respects me and will probably only push so far. I like to have a clean house, but sometimes, like now when I am sick, cleaning can go to hell, and yes I do still have boxes in the garage that I have not unpacked... in 7 months. Meh that's me. Live with it. Ultimately I like having Bad Kitty around. She's a good friend and a good dancer with great fashion sense and will have no trouble keeping her house duties in order. An excellent choice for a new roommate.

The three of us like to do henna, which I think we will be doing later tonight, and we like to have lingerie days, and we all like to dance. This could be really fun, in a crazy sort of way. Then include Bad Kitty's boyfriend, who does not live here, but might as well, and my love who is not living here at the moment, but will be after the fall is over, and my son who does live here. Plus, Who got a kitten for her birthday, and Bad Kitty brought a cat of her own, add our two cats already living here and you have got one damned full house!! Its a good thing it is so big.

2005-09-06T19:18:00.000-07:00

Warren's Eyes

Into the deep and stormy seas I gaze
The calm blue surface misleads
The truth of the tumultuous passion
Dark and churning water
A hundred men have lost their lives
Agony and fear in the murky depths
Drowning in despair
Forgotten
How to fight, to swim, to live
One man gazing out to the world
A ray of sunshine falls like rain
Piercing the watery plane
Light as laughter and fairy wings
Strong as the heaving tale of a great Blue Whale
And he remembers
Thrashing to the surface to receive
Gratefully gulping that delicious air
Savoury flavour of life
With silken threads of mermaids hair
He builds himself a boat
And steers his vessel through raging seas
As stoic as a sea-fairing Captain
Searching the horizon for a glimpse
Of the sight he’s sure to see
His green isle
Out of the blue expanse it comes
Like faith, love…salvation
As accepting as a mothers embrace.
He lands his ship
And sits on those lush green hills
To laugh and weep
And gaze back to the deep and stormy seas.

By T.L.A ~ 2003

It's 4:20!!!!

2005-09-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

Hey when the fuck are the rest of you gonna catch up on your posts.... bastards!!

Note the Sexual Frustration...

2005-08-24T22:05:00.001-07:00

2005-08-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

edible in white

2005-08-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

now here's a nice present ~ ryan phillipe

2005-08-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

yummy brigitte bardot

Who's a Girl got to Fuck to get some Sex around Here?

2005-08-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

Yes I am back. Excuse the language but if you are reading this then you have probably read me before and learned to expect a little profanity from us wild children at times.

It has been about six weeks since the beautiful disaster that ended my relationship. It had been maybe a week and a half before that since I last had sex. So that makes seven and a half weeks of celibacy. I decided that I would not use our break-up as a excuse to go out and fuck someone else, so I have abstained from that particularly joyous pastime for as long as things have been going awry in my life. For some people that is not long at all and they scoff at my whining. For yet others it is way too long and they think to themselves that they would definitely use the 'single' time to get some adrenalin pumping tangles going. I am somewhere in between those. Which makes me what?

Arrrgghh... it sets me on fire and I almost dread sleep at night... knowing that I will be dreaming of frustration and lovers. It's almost insanely fun, like making-out when still a virgin. Sex was just not going to happen then, I would not let it. This is not as much fun though, because there isn't even any making-out. I can see why monks seem to reach such heightened states of consciousness. Staying like this too long would be... enlightening. I never really wanted to be a monk. Yet here I am.

I think I may take it out in my writing. I have always done that, but I have to be careful not to work on anything that I actually don't want to turn into erotica... I've done that before. It's kind of funny in a weird sort of way; the companions (out on an adventure to find the oracle child) all of the sudden find themselves wandering into a strange village where they get seduced by harem girls... Could be an interesting story, but not the one I was aiming for. Hmmm, maybe I should write some X-rated posts... that might fulfill my exibitionist and voyeuristic cravings. Sex by oneself can sometimes be satisfying, but generally its not even as good as chocolate and not anywhere near the same ballpark as sharing it with someone else. *big sigh* What's a girl to do?

Ritual of Lovers Quarrel

2005-08-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

harsh words spoken in asbsence
of understanding
fear and pain, love and loss
screaming in the silences
love love love love
mouth wants to form the words
heart needs to believe
mind strives to taint them
Where does desire cower
in the face of desperation?
somewhere curled up crying
childs tears
alone in the darkness of hurts
long past and never healed

~ clothosfate a.k.a. T.L.A.

Invictus

2005-08-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

Thou Art Judged

2005-08-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

Everybody is a little judgmental but some people are extremely judgmental. I can never quite understand how anybody can hold judgment so seriously over anyone else... I guess it has everything to do with the person being extremely hard on themselves. Even though I can see what is behind it, I can't help but be bothered by it.

This probably comes from being intensely judged and ostracize when I was a child. I think I also judged myself pretty harshly, it's unavoidable in a child who has been abandoned by a parent, but I never liked when people were mean to others. I was never a child to make fun of someone else, unless it was a close friend and we were just goofing around, but never to actually hurt anyone else's feelings. I hated it being done to me, and I hated it being done to others. I got in fights with the snobs regularly.

It's funny now looking at the themes to pretty much all of the stories I have written over the years, my versions of the hero's journey. I think that my psyche always wanted to pull me up out of the 'worthless' judgment and achieve something great, be the hero. My particular brand of low self-esteem is the one in which you present a solid, confident and generally at-ease facade to the rest of the world, mostly just convincing yourself (myself) that you are confident and satisfied. It's a tricky one, and not as easy to identify as a person who walks through life with slumped shoulders, hair hanging in their faces trying to blend into the wall. Well one of the things that maintains a low self-esteem is constant reminders from the outside world; family, friends, school-mates, co-workers, telling you that you are not good enough. You get told that enough times... well we all know the end of that sentence. I was so good at hiding my own, I hid it almost completely from myself... lucky for me those kinds of things don't stay hidden long.

Recently I made a new 'friend' whom I shared some of myself with. Mainly just thoughts, memories, aspirations, the usual 'getting to know you' kinda things, but there was also attraction. A shared attraction can sometimes lead more quickly to intimate thoughts and aspirations, giving the people involved a fairly false sense of 'knowing' the other person on a deeper level. This definitely happened in the case of my new friendship. It could have been a good thing I think, but ultimately because we don't really know each other, feelings got hurt and understanding flew miles away.

Now my 'friend' is not my friend and has judged me pretty harshly, using the small bits of me that was learned in the exchange to form a nasty, small minded opinion of something I 'should' be rather then attempting any acceptance of who I actually am. At first this judgment hurt, like the sting of a bee, or the whispered shame from behind a friends back, but then I realized that I do not have take on that persons opinion of me, that it is not me they judge, but themselves and the world. To declare that one person knows better then another the way they should be is arrogant and naive and only suggests deep pain and rejection of self.

I have no more room or time for ignorance and intentional meanness, there is enough confusion and pain in the world, I do not need to subject myself to it for some ancient penance that says we should all feel shame and abide by the rules. I have allowed the judgment to play with me for long enough and I will allow it no further. I am the Goddess, I am wonderful and lovable and beautiful and inspired to be greater then I would have ever expected (except maybe when I was 2 and the world was still at my feet, then I think I expected that greatness and miracles were indeed possible). I will grant no one the power to make me less then I am. I am grateful for the lessons of my life, no matter how difficult or painful, I will not look away and I will do my best to learn.

Bus Freaks

2005-08-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings

We all know the bus/skytrain is a place for weird sex perverts to hang out, right? Nahh. I've made some good friends on the bus and met some good people. But I have also met some freaks. Like when I was on the bus just about ten minutes ago. I sat down next to this guy and out of the corner of my eye I could see him like openly staring at me. I avoided meeting his eyes for a few minutes and then peeked over once to see what he wanted. He was just staring at me. I looked away. A few minutes later I looked back to give him a cold stare. He just gave me a toady little smile. I wanted to yell "what the hell are you looking at!"

Also, people who don't move back when the bus has only standing room. You fucks! People are trying to get on. Don't just stand there looking dumb! Move your fucking asses! And if you're standing right next to an open seat don't just stand there. Sit down, or let someone else sit down. It's soooo inconsiderate to just stand over an open seat so no one else can sit in it but not sit down yourself. You fucking fucks! Go fuck yourselves!

The Fall

2005-07-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

So it has arrived. I have seen the fear hiding inside of me, the scared little girl huddled in the corner hoping beyond hope that the monster will not see her. I have always had two people inside of me, some explain it as the gemini nature, but either way it has always been that way in me. So standing with and slightly in front of the terrified child is the other me. The same little girl, only this time she is brandishing a sword much too big for her, with absolute confidence and daring. As if to say "bring it on."

With great sadness and relief I gaze upon my facade and resolve to tear it down. Without anymore flowery words to hide behind, I tell my tale.

When I was 14 my mother said to me "You are a free spirit hunny, we know that you are going to do whatever you feel, no matter what." I was strangely proud of that statement, as if to be a free spirit was something important to me, and I guess it is, and always has been. My sweet punk girl said that I was almost childlike in how hopeful, optimistic and just totally honest I am. Not filled with the ironic, jaded views that are common when you get passed childhood. I think these may be aspects of that free spirit. Whatever it is, these are aspects that will remain in me all my life... I always look towards a positive outcome, the gift in the troubled experiences of my life.

I do not resist the connections I make in my life. If someone stands out to me, if I feel that magnetism, generally I want to know who they are, be real instead of just ants. I try not to make too many rules, or else I would not be able to accept myself let alone anyone else. Not that I don't have rules... sure I don't want to expose myself to really unhealthy people, or mean, ignorant people. Also I don't believe in being deceitful, or intentionally hurtful. I was the girl who got into fights with the school snobs and bullies. But I don't think that anyone should believe something they don't or dress in a way they don't feel comfortable, or to squash their feelings. I try very hard not to judge, because simply I do not want to be judged.

So here I am, I have had an experience that has forced me to look honestly at myself, and I have seen that I have been living for security, not for what's in my heart. I am sick with myself. How could I do this? Since when have I felt it was ok to hide and make such an exchange? I am not saying it is not right for some people, for some women it is their dream, but never has it been my dream. I have always dreamed of being true to myself, of not being afraid of my life and to have the courage to do the truly difficult things. The most difficult are the ones that accompany big changes, and growth. I will always grow, it is my nature. Growing also means that realizing sometimes where I have weakened, like thinking I can be braver then I actually can, but eventually I look at these things in myself and try to accept them.

So my relationship is ending. The love I have helped nurture and care for the last four years is ending. As wonderful as it is, I know in my heart I have some growing to do that I must do alone. This is the first time I have ever felt the stress of our age difference, but he is on the other side of a mountain that I still have to climb. I have always mourned the lost years, wishing I could have been closer to his age so that I could have matured with him, but I thought that eventually it would not matter. It does matter and now that I see it I cannot turn my eyes away from the fall. I will be brave, I will survive. But for now... I want "*to kill people and eat their fucking heads."

*lyrics from 'I like to kill people', by dusty

FUCK!!!!!!

2005-07-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

Life is never fucking simple! Why can it not just be the story books? And if it isn't then burn those fucking lies. I am so tired of pretending, of hiding... I don't want to do it anymore and then just when I thought I had it in me to stop... I am asked to hide. FUCK! Confused? Me too.

Found!

2005-07-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

Fuck it all. No more round and round we go. I am done. I guess you could say I am through with chasing my tail. I accept myself, its practically the main theme to my entire fucking life... why should I stop now?

I read my cards, I appealed to the goddess for guidance, and you know what I got? Relationship, illusion and acceptance, death and rebirth. How funny is that, but always the way with these things. I asked to be shown what I need to do to stop worrying over this kind of shit. I was told I need to look at myself honestly and stop trying to hide. Just the exact things that I DO need to do, that I knew I needed to do.

Things change; that is the death and rebirth card. I wasn't expecting it... but who ever is? Strip away the illusion, the pretend, and see what's underneath; that is the illusion card. The relationship card was not what I thought it was about. Its about relating at all, about nature and nurture. It suggested that if a relationship was possible, then communication was necessary. All of the cards repeatedly mentioned being honest and accepting of myself.

Well that I can do, and as soon as I decided that that was what I would do, then I felt relieved. So I have all the answers I need... for the moment anyway. *big grin*

2005-07-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

The Goddess of Self-Mastery

Lost?

2005-07-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling that you are walking around in a dream? How about that heightened sense of enlightenment, when anything is possible? It often accompanies a painful situation, or big change, or a car crash, whichever comes first. Its the feeling that things are happening without your control, but you have some important choices to make that could alter the outcome. You could curl into a tight ball of armor and smash your way through, or become limp as a cooked noodle and just flow and let things bounce off of you.

It often brings up a vision of being suspended high above a cross-roads, kind of floating, and when I make a decision I am going to go flying off in that direction at the speed of light, or at the pace of a turtle, whichever fits. Its the feeling of 'lightness' that I am talking about. Of pure potential. I recognize an important happening inside of me that I explore intentionally with my mind and heart but I tread carefully with my actions.

I have always used my writing as a type of self-analysis, and savior from madness, hence my earlier crazed posts. I express my thoughts and feelings so I can understand them better I guess. I have found myself at another learning point in my life. When I learn things, especially such influential and important things, it always feels a little crazy, a little unstable and so filled with potential that I feel like I am on fire and I could figure out the secrets of the damned universe if only I knew the proper questions.

I see myself in the mirror of my feelings and I wonder at my nature. I realize that I have been hoping to become a woman who only wants the white picket fence, three kids, two dogs and a cat. The mother who lives only for her children and husband and is always 'on top of it'. I hoped that I would be completely satisfied with what has never completely satisfied me before. Those are good things, yes, and simpler then what seems to be inside of me, which could be why I wished them upon myself. I wonder why I feel the need to hide what I really feel, to try to change my own story. Why do I not just try to live in harmony with my nature? To not feel like I am wrong, or broken, or unworthy. Those negative feelings are not in me to lay upon anyone, let alone myself. I will not hide anymore. Not from myself. If this is the only thing I learn from this 'lesson' with the lovely smile, I will still consider myself fortunate to have had the experience at all.

Temptation- Part 1

2005-07-08T01:26:00.000-07:00

I can understand why someone would put the line "lead me not into temptation" into a prayer. It seems like a very smart and unfortunately common thing to pray for. However, the sheer fact that it is such a common occurrence, temptation that is, would suggest to me that just possibly temptation is not what we think it is.

I have always, for as long as I have been having relationships, been the person who questions the sense of monogamy. I guess it began because no matter how much I loved the person I was with, it never truly stopped me from wanting other people. For a time my lover may occupy me so much that I have no use or notice of other people, but generally there comes a time, when I desire other lovers. There was one relationship I had in which my desire for others came when my relationship was failing. We were fighting all the time, and eventually sex became an issue between us. That seems to be a likely and totally understanding time to start feeling something for other people, but that is the only time it ever happened that way. I never did cheat though, even if our relationship sucked and was ending... for the record, I understood that my partner did not want me having sex with other men, especially if I did not seem to be wanting it with him and I respected him as well as myself too much to do that.

In every other relationship I have had, which I have eventually desired another lover, it has not been at a bad point, or because of a shitty sex life. It is just how I feel, basically what happens to me. The shitty part is that most people are monogamous and want to have monogamous relationships, so I always end up in one. I have been asked how I would feel if my lover went off and fucked another woman, and to tell you the truth, if I actually envision it in my mind, then ya sure it hurts like hell. We all have a lot of self-worth, and security wrapped up in the sexual act as if it's some precious gift to withhold or exchange depending on value. So if the person we love is sharing that so-called gift with someone else, it can hurt us to think about it. I understand this intellectually and emotionally. I do not believe that sex is such a credit to barter, I believe it is a pleasurable interaction that people choose to have with each other, akin to a really great and deep conversation, only way more fun.

I understand that it can hurt to be faced with the thought or conscious knowledge that your lover has other lovers, but I also know that it is because of our social conditioning that we feel this pain, not because it is some fundamental moral issue to choose to be intimate with whomever you desire. As long as you are being respectful and caring in all of your relations, then there is nothing morally wrong. The morally wrong part would be lying if you were confronted or expected to confess your deeds. I feel that because of the obvious pain that most people would feel when confronted with the deeds of their lover, then it seems the likely course of action would be to not discuss it unless totally necessary. This of course would have to be mutually agreed upon prior to any 'extra-curricular' activities to avoid the whole lying and confronting thing, so for this to work, the people involved have to both feel the same way about intimacy and possession.

Yes I know this is just way too complicated, and would be a difficult thing to approach if you have any insecurity what-so-ever, which we all do to varying degrees. Most people would just throw their hands up and say "fuck it". Maybe for them its easier to just cheat, or to pretend or ignore the fact that they find other people attractive, I don't know, but I imagine this very complicated issue is at the heart of many unhappy people. I don't want to be unhappy... or unfulfilled, or to lie to myself... or to cheat, and so I am one of those people who tries to figure this shit out.

What do you do when you are happily 'married' and yet you want to have that intimate interaction with someone else?
...

What Possesses Me To Do These Things

2005-07-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

So I spent like a hundred dollars on a wig.

yeah, it sounds weird right? At the time, my reasoning was, I have this short hair and i can never, ever decide what to do with it. Short or long? black, blonde or red? i change my mind so much but the bottom line is my hair is really thick and never does anything I want it to do. I thought, maybe if i buy like a shoulder-length wig, I can just keep my hair short and then have long hair when I want to, say if i want to wear an outfit that just doesnt look good with short hair (also known as a dress).

I also had the thought that should I engage in any shady business involving me doing something not-so-reputable (like naked pictures or something) I might want to have a clever disguise.

Now, two people assured me that it didnt look fake and that it looked nice on me. So I thought, what the hell.

This is not the first time I've bought a wig. There's something about wigs that I just really like. The other two wigs I bought were like those brightly-colored ones that have the blunt bangs and look bad on everyone. I quickly got bored with them but not before getting a family photo done in a white one (I cringe when I see it, but hey, I was like fourteen).

Anyway, I feel kind of bad about it now. Like, why did I waste a hundred dollars? If I hadn'tve, I would still want to buy it. But I'm such an impulse-guilty-pleasure buyer. why didnt I save that money for a tattoo? or some guitar equipment? mind you, there is always more money to be gotten.

Was it silly of me to waste a hundred dollars on a wig? Or wierd? A wig that can be used and doesnt look too cheezy, but is still a wig? Am I weird and silly and bad with money? I really wanted it, but I also really wanted a Furby, and a Tamagotchi, and...well, you get the picture.

ow

2005-06-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

man.

This is the worst bikini wax i've ever had. Seriously. Now i have super-sensitive painful ingrown hairs everywhere. My bikini line is just as red bumpy and sore as if I'd just shaved it with an old razor! What's up with that! I think the wax was bad or something.

2005-06-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

River Phoenix

2005-06-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

river

My Own Private River

2005-06-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

The first boy I ever loved was River Phoenix. He hung on my bedroom wall between the ages of 9 and 14. When I danced by myself in my room, he was always my favorite partner. I even remember kissing that picture goodnight a few times, until I realized I could actually damage it by getting it wet. (laugh if you must)
Ya I was hooked on River, he most definitely set the standard for the rest of the men in my life. I have a weakness for a pretty face, and a tragically romantic disposition. I think a big part was the serious look in his eyes, I guess I must have taken myself pretty seriously.
I even remember what picture it was, River was sporting the shaved head and white t-shirt from his role in Stand By Me... which of course was one of my all time favorites for obvious reasons; it was written by good ole Mr. King, was a story about a young writer (which of course I fancied myself to be) and it had River Phoenix in it.
Later I replaced the old picture with one of River and Leaf, both quite young still, and one of the very few pictures of River actually smiling. I always imagined that they must be best friends as well as brothers, those two.
When I was about 15 my father went on a rampage and made me take down all my posters from my walls, it was his way of punishing me for one thing or another, my father was one of the ultra-strict in my youth, luckily for him, he's learned his lesson and no longer 'sweats the small stuff'. I remember I cried the whole time I was taking them down. River wasn't the only guy up there, but he was my favorite and I had taken pride in wallpapering my room with cute boys as is the way of adolescent girls.
I kept the posters I had of River, hidden away inside an old art book. I almost forgot that they were there... until the day I heard that River Phoenix had died. I was 17. I remember actually feeling shock, which I think is unusual when its not someone you really knew. Of course I cried, he was my first love, no matter how unrealistic.
After his death I remember watching as many River Phoenix movies as I could find and I think I cried through most of them... yes, yes, yes I am a crier, I find its better then breaking things over people's heads.
Around the same time as his death, I met a young man named Forrest, whom became another one of my loves and my new favorite dance partner, only it was real and not imagined. One of the first times I hung with Forrest at his house, we watched My Own Private Idaho... one of the few River flicks I had not seen. If a person has any homophobia what-so-ever, it is not a flick for them, but Forrest and I loved that movie. Together we mourned River Phoenix... sadly until two years later when Forrest died in a car crash. His death, which was much more real to me then River's, threw my whole world into a terrifying spiral. If you have never lost someone close to you, you cannot imagine how it feels, and if you have then you understand the deep feeling of tragedy. Since his death I have lost too many more friends to list, but none were as bad as losing Forrest, his death hit me like a building being dropped from a great height onto my oblivious head.
I think that was the event which changed my life. It was then that I began to see the world and life as a tenuous thing, and I learned hard lessons about acceptance and love. The day before Forrest died, we spent together. I remember he told me he loved me, probably voicing it for the first time, even though I had known it all along. He made me promise I would never give in to the pressure of society to conform and 'shape up' into a good citizen and consumer, but to always remain free spirited. After his death I remembered his words and thought how strange it was that he should say goodbye when he could not have consciously known he would die.
The lesson in all of this crying and death? Do not wait, life is happening right now as you make plans, and never put off telling the people you love, that you love them. This for Forrest and River... your names are known to me and your smiles will not be forgotten.

Anticipation to Vacation.

2005-06-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

6 Days.

In only 6 short days I will get to experience the sense of independence that is alien to most parents until their spawn turn 18 or so. Maybe not, maybe most parents get a summer break now and then.. thats what grandparents, or aunts and uncles are for right? Well this is the first summer that I will get to have this amazing experience.

I have already mentioned before (at some point I am sure) that I used to get a lot more time away from the responsibilities of motherhood. When we still lived in the same area as 'daddy', and we practiced equal parenting. That was a wonderful, and sometimes guilty pleasure, one week with me, one week with dad. As of today its been 5 months in which I have had a total of 10 days break from my son. It may seem selfish to think of it that way, (as I'm sure it is to some uptight, self-righteous, rule-bound 'folks' who should just stop reading this post NOW) but I know how important it is to have space in a healthy way. Leave the guilt to the ultra-religious I say, they have enough for all of us. If you're going to do something find a reason that feels good to do it... "guilt is never the right reason" a good friend of mine used to say.

My son is totally secure and has no problem with going to stay with daddy, grandma and papa and uncle Sean, auntie willow, these are all his favorite people (especially uncle Sean shhhhh, he's practically Optimus Prime incarnate)... in the mountainous valley I so lovingly speak of. He will probably have a great month, and so will I. Family is a wonderful thing to have, unless you have that kind of family... the ones we don't like to speak of, then you'd be better off not allowing them to take your children for a month :)

In this case, our vacations are coming and I can't wait to see what kind of fun I can get myself into. I'm thinking a road trip to see my Annabanana, and at least a week of sleeping in until 9am. Hmmmm how wonderful. Well I am off to do some more work on the 'fire room'. We are renovating it, today is for sanding the mud, then a good coat of primer, paint and a nice new carpet.. it will probably end up being the nicest room in the house. Lucky Who.

2005-06-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

Elemental Goddess

Birthday Wishes

2005-06-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

Birthday wish number 1: NO FIRES, unless the are in a fire pit or wood stove.

Last year the whole mountainside was burning. More then one mountain actually. You may remember the news about how many fire-fighters from all over Canada were being flown to B.C. to fight the fires. That was happening not far from our Solstice party. Actually I took off for a road trip across Canada on my birthday last year, strait from the solstice, and watched as the fire burned, wondering if my home would still be there when I returned.

Birthday wish number 2: New roommates who don't SUCK-ASS.

Well if any of you follow my other blog, you will know what this wish is about. So far we have had our house set on fire (see birthday wish #1), been totally mooched and lived-off of ( a few thousand dollars worth) and then my camera (which was my birthday present) was stolen by some druggie who my roommate allowed in. Yes new GOOD roommates would be a great present.

Birthday wish number 3: Dusty wrapped in nothing but a red ribbon and a leash.

This wish speaks for itself, but Dusty baby, you know I want you :)

Birthday wish number 4: Really hot SEX.

Who can go wrong with really good sex, not that it is something that generally happens at Solstice. I mean it probably does for some people, I don't go checking in tents or anything, but its not a requirement. Who doesn't want to have hot sex on their birthday's? As a good friend of mine suggests, we should be happy and special and get generally what we want every day, not just on our birthdays, but personally I think that most people feel special on their birthday's because its a celebration of the day THEY were born, not just any day or anybody... it IS special.

Birthday wish number 5: A salt-gun to shoot at the loud and obnoxious adolescents at 5am.

Every year there are a gang (which seems to grow each year) of 10-15 yr olds who stay up all night, which is fine in itself, and steal as much alcohol and pot as they can. Then they run about never minding the tents of sleeping people, screaming as much profanity as they possibly can fit into any sentence and eventually get so drunk they fall on their faces and end up looking like smashed hamburger the next day. It's oh so pleasant... or am I just getting older?

"Happy Birthday to Me.. and to Loralei, we both loved dancing at our parrrty!"

Final Birthday wish: To meet and have tea with Stephen King. (Nothing TOO difficult eh?)

Stephen King is my mentor. His writing always inspires me to go and write and stop putting off my stories. When he was a child his mother and her friends (or maybe it was his family) bought his very first stories off him for about .50 cents a piece. Personally I think that is how he first got the idea to write for a living. It was a smart move on Mrs. King's part I think, cause he gets oh so much more then .50 cents a piece now. I wish that we could put aside celebrity and I could just show up at Steve's house and tell him that I am an aspiring writer who would really love to just sit and have tea with him. Do you think he would go for it? Or do you think he would call the cops on me?

Cripes!

2005-06-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

Ok for some reason I just feel so insanely filled with rage. I started feeling like this around nine pm yesterday and almost got in a fight with a hick who cant drive. But for the love of god I think im going stir crazy~

Get me some alcohol~
Get me some sushi!
Get me some innocent young girls to corrupt~!
Get me some innocent early-twenties men who THINK theyre all that to take down a peg or two~!

I slept over at my friend's house, and I just woke up, and my hips are really sore for some reason. Im concerned that I may have been ass-fucked in my sleep. Would she do that to me? maybe.

GRRRRAAAWD Im just so filled with rage and angst and adrenaline! I need to go get in a fight with someone. Someone who wont waste me. But also someone who can land a few good blows so I can go to work with a shiner. Any takers?

2005-06-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

fire

Fire!!

2005-06-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

So this is life. How quaint. I was so relieved to find a new roommate for our huge house. Its been months since my little sister left, and the bite of paying full rent ourselves has been weighing terribly. Not to mention my 'other' roommooch who now has until the end of June to move out. I got really tired of her living off of us, so like I said, I was SO relieved when we found a new roommate. It was relief that ended abruptly.

My wonderful new roommate turned out to be very unreliable and the kind of person who moves about constantly. It seemed pretty clear to me, almost as soon as she moved in, that she runs away from life. She had big plans to come here, get a job, finish schooling. Then almost immediately she started talking about going back to the island, or maybe to Penticton, or possibly Alberta. She finally settled on Banf, without even consulting her boyfriend, who happens to be a very good friend of mine which is how I met her. So he calls up to tell her he almost has all of their stuff in order and will be joining her here in 10 days, she then informs him that she has decided to move on. Of course he decides to make the 10 days shorten into 2 days... then tomorrow, seeing as she won't wait for him. At this point I really begin to wonder about his taste in women.

So the next day he shows up... after 11pm at which point I am already sleeping because I have to get up at 7am to take my son to school the next morning. Well the next morning I get woken up at 6:30am to sounds of crashing and screaming. Being a mother it does not take more then a couple of seconds for me to be out of bed and into my robe.

When I open the door into the hallway I am immediately confused by what I see. There is he and she running around in their skivvies in the hallway. At first I thought maybe I had interrupted some weird sexual game, until I noticed the smoke. I walk out of my room quickly and say: "What's going on?" Then I get far enough into the hallway to see their room filled with black smoke and dark orange flames on the floor at the far end of the room.

My question seemed to snap him out of the confusion he was running around in and he grabs a blanket on the floor and runs back into the room muttering "I've got to put it out." My first response is to run into the bathroom and start soaking a towel. I come back out with my soaking wet towel, realizing how much of the toxic black smoke is pouring out into the rest of the house. I go towards the room and I cannot see anything except for him on the floor beating at the flames. It does not take much and he's got the fire out, but the amount of smoke is overwhelming and I run into the room to open the window. It is too smoky and so I have to go back out and get my wet towel, covering my nose and mouth I go back in and fight to get the window open before both of us rush back out of the room to close the door and get some air.

Next I have to go into my sons room and get him dressed enough to get out of the house. When I tell him that there was a fire he says "Oh Cool!" in classic 7 year old fashion. We all beat it down the stairs and I wake up Who, who happens to be sleeping on the couch. Everyone up and out of the house. That's when we notice that he got burnt putting out the fire. Because he did not stop to wet the blanket and just used his hands... thats what fear and panic do to you.

What had happened was my friend, in true hippie fashion, fell asleep with a candle burning. The absolute idiotic thing about that, beyond leaving a candle burning, is that he left it burning on my sons old plastic desk that we had stored in that room. The whole flat part of the desk was melted down to the burnt carpet, which in turn started a plastic art case full of crayons on fire as well. Who knows how long they were asleep in the poisonous fumes, I guess its lucky for all of us that they even woke up at all.

So the next step was to rush him to the hospital with melted plastic burnt onto his hand. He handled the pain well, although his face was red as a tomato, and I know it must have been excruciating. All the way there they both kept apologizing profusely, which was good and all, but its just empty words that change nothing. I said to him; "Look I know you feel bad, but really shit happens and you will just have to help us fix it." He agreed.

Later that day they came back from the hospital, his puffy, white sausage-like fingers bandaged up good and they took a one over of the room. He cut out the burnt part of the carpet, about a square of 3 feet by 2 feet, before I told him he really should just take it easy for the rest of the day. She made a sorry-ass attempt at cleaning the walls (or should I say one wall) with a mop, which really only succeeded in smearing black soot around. To top it all off, she got the money she had been waiting a week for that day, and instead of offering any at all for her staying here, or for any damages, they knocked on my door at about 10:30pm and told me they were heading off to Banf. They said they would call and would pay for the cost of fixing the room when we knew how much it would be. I was so tired and shocked that I just stood there ready to knock the shit out of both of them. I said something like: "You're leaving NOW?"

I guess I should have stopped them, but I was not in my right mind, and I know they took advantage of that. My love has not been home yet since all this has happened, and there is no phone where he is so I could not let him know. The guy in this scenario, with the burnt hand who I am trying not to name, works for my boyfriend... So I know he will have to deal with his wrath eventually. Now Who and I are cleaning the room. I want to have it done as much as I can before my love comes home, to soften the blow I guess. Also Who is going to move into that room, once it's done, thank fuckin god. At least she is reliable and trustworthy. What a crazy ride.

I'm Not Afraid To Be Pathetic....Thaaat's Right.

2005-06-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

Dear So-And-So.

I love you. Even though you made me feel like I was the only one you ever loved and told me that you and your girlfriend had an open relationship, and then decided that you wanted to stay with her even though you swore up and down it was only me, I still love you. Even though you never once called me or came to my house to visit in like five years, I still love you. Even though when we broke up, you told everyone you never loved me and that I was just some girl, and then years later confessed your undying love, I still love you. I said that I would come back for you, and when I had no where to go to and things were shit at home I could always come over and lose time in your basement with you. Although I realize now that you could only ever drag me down and could never give me what I need, I still love you. Even though I would never now consider ever going back to you because you're on a one way trip to nowhere, I still love you. Even though you gave me something in words that you couldn't give in actions, I'll help you at the drop of a pin. If you ever need anything, you call me and you know I'll be there. I can never be with you now even though you will probably never ask me but you know and I know that we are both connected by an unbreakable thread. So have a good life.

Dear So-and-So
We met for a brief period and you tried to woo me even though you had a girlfriend. You used underhanded methods to make me like you and then never returned my emails when we parted. We had deep and meaningful discussions and you laid your head in my lap like I was everything. You said you were having problems with your girlfriend. You made the suggestion that we could've slept together despite the fact that you weren't single. You kissed me in a drunken haze, and then you kissed me again when you were sober just to prove you weren't sorry. I'm not stupid. I know your type. I know you've probably done this same routine to tonnes of girls. If I'm so special, why didn't you even email me? Why not keep up the communication? I'm not some cute pet. At the time my head was swamped and I was ready to move across Canada the second you were single and give you everything, but that's exactly what you wanted. Now that I look back, i can see that you are somewhat self-centred. Musicians, that's they way they are. Now that I look back, I see that you never really saw my special talents and personality traits, even though you did make me feel special, which tells me that you never really saw me, just a pretty girl who seemed easy. Maybe you are sincere but you don't know what your heart tells you. Maybe not. I had a dream about you. First we had a deep conversation, kind of like real life. There were words of love. I wish you weren't the way you were because you're really the type of guy I can see myself with, strong and confident, not a wussy or a whiner (like so many past boyfriends of mine, I seem to attract the type). But I don't think you really gave a shit. Later on in the dream, it turned out you had your ulterior motives all along, you were using me. I don't know you that well and considering that you don't email me I can't really judge if you are all that shallow, but I have to go with my gut instinct and what the facts tell me. But just so you know, I thought that you were sexy and smart and mysterious, and clever and charming and I would have been your girl no problem. Maybe not so much now. I think I'll just stay single.

I'm Not Speaking To You.

2005-06-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

So one leg of my adventure is over, I have reached my brother's home in Calgary. After about a week, I found a poorly paying job that gives me poor hours.

But more disconcerting, a certain someone that I have a lot of contact with has decided to be a giant baby. this certain someone is a very sensitive person and feels as though they have the right to snap at whoever they want whenever any little thing pisses them off. Kind of like a five year old. Anyway, said someone tried to pull that shit on me the other day when they were angry about a situation that had nothing do with me, and upon telling me about it, I asked a few nonchelant questions, like "so, what happened?"

Mr. So and so became very angry that I wasnt just agreeing with him and going 'yeah that really sucks, you were totally right!" and yelled at me "Never mind! You OBVIOUSLY don't understand!" and storms away. Now, this is not the first time that this has happened with mr. sensitive feelings, and I was getting pretty sick of it. Sick of him feeling like he can pull this whiny bullshit whenever he feels like it. So I said, "Quit acting like such a little girl!"

To which I got the reply: "Shut the fuck up! How about you just shut the fuck up!" and some other abuse. I said "No, I'm sick of you abusing everyone in this household whenever anything goes wrong in YOUR life!"

So he slammed the door. A few minutes later, my three year old niece tried to go play in the backyard, where he was sitting, and was told "GO AWAY!" So i said, "She's ALLOWED to play back here!" I mean, come on, really, it's a three year old. I was answered with "You don't even know how angry I am right now, you stupid fucking cow!" Another slammed door.

What is this kid's ( and by kid I mean grown man) problem? Not only can he not control his anger around people who haven't said anything in the least way offensive to him (and beleive me, I was compeltely casual before he started freaking out) he can't even control his anger toward a three year old. The other day he told my niece, "You're a bad girl! I don't want to play with you anymore!" because she was throwing grass on the floor in the kitchen and wouldn't stop. He also told her on another occasion that her dress was ugly. After that she didn't want to wear it.

Anyway, he's best known for having these little temper tantrums and then talking to you next thing like everything's normal. And if you respond with any anger, he gets all hurt and victimized again, liek 'why are you being mean to me?' so i decided just not to talk to him. He, also, has not been talking to me since this little incident. Not that I mind, because I have no use for pathetic whiny idiots anyway, but i've never been put in such a situation where I had to deal with this level of bitchyness. The guy is like Elton John on the rag or something.

anyway, so now I'm engaged in a little game of "I'm-bitchier-than-you" but hell hath no rage like a woman scorned.

2005-06-02T02:31:00.000-07:00

why is a raven like a writing desk?

2005-06-02T00:42:00.000-07:00

ALL HAIL THE TRUE QUEEN

2005-06-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

Who Are U? Don't you think you ought to tell me who u are first?

2005-05-30T16:00:00.001-07:00

This is your cat on drugs.....

2005-05-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

down the rabbit hole